found here

Reasons to be happy list for right now:

blue skies outside. Today it will be in the 80's. Its been a good couple of weeks etsy custom order wise. Going to the state fair on Friday. I'm relatively on top of things at work. Tonight I will make a leather grass cuff (very fun to make). Today I am wearing a non matching striped cardi with a patterned tank top. Orange toe nails. Coffee. Making a list. Leaving the house with wet hair. The grapes are growing. Hopefully I will see the ocean this weekend. And my cat is pretty awesome.

PS. This is not one of those lists that I am making because I am super happy and positive at this moment, its more like the kind that I am making in an attempt to convince myself... FYI... we shall see if it is successful.

rabbit wisdom

I came across this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit on Ordinary Courage.

real = beautiful
Love it.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Kurt on authenticity

found here

hope and random (but happy) thoughts

Found here.

Random thoughts:

*There are certain very foggy mornings when you just need a mocha (with whipped creme) and a bagel for breakfast. And yes I did say need.

*On my mind lately has been the idea of honesty and authenticity vs appropriateness. I will admit that there are times when its better to keep your mouth shut, especially when you are not terribly tied in any important way to the topic or person you are keeping your mouth shut too. But when that tie is there, my general conclusion is this:

screw appropriateness.

If you are a person who is important to me, then I want you to really and truly know me. How can I expect you to do that if I keep important things to myself?

* I have also discovered, quite happily, that I am no longer someone who can be pushed or bullied into something. At the first sign of the possibility of feeling this way I completely rebel, and quite frankly, freak out. Though I do sort of thing the freak out part is unnecessary, I am glad to find that I wont be bullied.

*I found an old pair of corduroy pants in a drawer over the weekend and happily they still fit like a glove. I had forgotten how much I love cords.

*Right now I am in love with the idea that nothing will ever be perfect the first time. No one can sit down in front of a canvas or work bench or computer and instantly produce something beautiful and meaningful and amazing that says exactly the thing that they wanted to say. Everyone, no matter how lovely or talented, has to practice. To revise. To try again and again and probably go through a whole lot of failed attempts before they get to the version they were going for in the first place.

So there is no need to stress out about that first attempt. Its almost certainly going to be terrible. And that is a-ok. Just go ahead and start, take a crack at that first draft because otherwise you wont ever get to the good version.

*Also, sometime even when its cold out, you still need to wear flip flops so your hot pink toe nails will show.

priorities and looking that grey sky square in the face

found HERE ***

This has been on my mind lately. The idea that if something is important to you, you will make time for it (within reason of course). When someone says they don't have time for a thing or a person really what that means deep down is that they don't care enough about it to make a space for it in their life.

***

Lately I feel strongly about being honest.

About living in reality.

If I want something, I want to be honest with myself about WHY I want it. And then I can make the best most informed decision about it. Or if at a specific moment in time I need to go completely by feel, I will see that need, admit it, give myself permission and then go for it.

What I don't want to do is tell myself that something is a good decision when it isn't.

Or tell myself that I don't really want that thing anyway, when really I do want it. Desperately maybe. I want to admit that want, even if I know I wont get the thing I'm after. Pretending to not have the desire will only confuse things further.

I am currently sitting in a McDonald's (it was the closest place with wifi) drinking coffee and waiting for the breaks on my car to be repaired. Hopefully it will be finished in time for me to make my noon yoga class. Hope your day is full of productivity and clarity.

~s

thoughts on authenticity, failure, and focus

via Yes and Yes

***

Today I was thinking about how sometimes even when you try real hard and do everything right, do all the things that you are supposed to do, sometimes things still don't work out the way you want them to.

And that's ok. Things don't always need to work out the way that I want them to (though occasionally it would be nice... :) And not working out the way I want them to doesn't mean that it wont work out.

When something you want falls through, maybe some of the fault is yours, and maybe not. Ultimately that doesn't matter. What does matter is what you do with it afterwards. How you deal with the disappointment and fear.

So today after doing what it is in my power to do, I am focusing on the hopeful:

a phone call from an old friend, making travel plans, making a wonderful meal, a glass of wine and a good book in the bath, a second chance that is actually used for good, the sound of the mail man bringing today's mail, snapping an amazing photo, eating cold pizza for breakfast, letting go of something not so good to make room for something great.

Have a wonderful weekend friends!

authenticity, balance and bravery

I am and have always been oddly private.

When I first meet a new person I initially open up very quickly, which gives the illusion of openness, but about the deeper and more personal things I tend revert back to my reserved self.

I do still share, but personal and emotionally important nuggets have to be drawn out by a patient and sometimes quite stubborn individual.

I also want very much to be and feel close to people.

But I make it very hard for that to happen.

I have thought about my possible reasons and what have you,

but ultimately I think it comes down to

one more manifestation of fear’s ugly face.

Also lately there has been an upsetting
lack of inspiration and an abundance of doubt,
and it has just occurred to me that these are related.

I read this today about authenticity and spirituality.

This effort to reach for spirituality outside of realism is what pulls us away from the very authenticity we are trying to embrace. We cannot be spiritual when we are being something that we are not.

found HERE

I don’t need to be so afraid of sharing or showing my authentic self.

In fact the act of holding back

just may be actively keeping me

from finding what I am looking for,

spiritually,

creatively

and emotionally.

Being more honest and open
just may bring me closer to
finding my creative footing,
feeling more confident in my endeavors,
and finding the inspiration
and balance I have been looking for.

reasons why my Friday was pretty great

Work was good. And this job that I had previously quit (read about it HERE), has asked me to stay on part time for a while. This is actually great because I will have lots more control over my hours, I will have time to look for other, better, jobs and I will still have some money coming in so will not have to freak out quite so much about pesky money troubles (which honestly I was beginning to freak out about a bit).

Today I was struck by a bit of inspiration and tomorrow I am going to follow where it leads me. (There will be photos of course :)

I have no torch, and no studio
but I am determined to make
jewelry anyway.

I am also going to find some space that I can turn into a very small studio. I need one. Not having one has helped me realize how important that space is to me. So tomorrow I will make one, however small and imperfect it may be.

I booked a ticket to Hawaii. January 2010. :) Nice.

I have been thinking about what it means to be an artist and have been realizing how grateful I am that so many of those things are a part of my life. It’s brings to my life focus, beauty, motivation and meaning. And though it does occasionally make some things harder, the positives FAR outweigh the negative.

I woke up Friday morning after a good cry Thursday night with a much better outlook and the realization that perfection does not exist. And that even if it did imperfection beats it every time. Imperfection is better because its REAL.

While riding the bus to work on this lovely morning I decided that a person’s expectations in and of life will bring them either happiness or despair.

And since they are so important
I decided to try to fix mine.

PS. happy Friday the 13th! its a lucky day...

Doubt

I arrived home

to find myself having a bit of a freak out.

I was fine, more then fine,

but suddenly I am surrounded by doubt and darkness.

Where there was confidence and faith,

there are now questions and fear.

I question it all.

I question too much.

And though I know that ALL my fears and worries aren't true

(they CANT be true... ??)

I am terrified that they are.

There is horror in it.

And I am afraid.

I know that the

strength of the feeling will pass.

but the seed of doubt that it planted

will be harder to discard.

When it came

I felt that I couldn't pretend

it wasn't there.

I couldn't pretend

that it wasn't frightening.

So I allowed it to wash over me, embraced it,

but only for a short time.

I felt I had to honestly share it.

And now I will try to begin

to climb my way back.

black and white

1. It has recently occurred to me that I am more comfortable

with myself and who and where I am then I have been in a really long time.

And with that comes the realization that

I no longer have to feel like I have to fight so hard for everything.

And its actually kind of wonderful.

2. Recognizing that you have come a long way does not

mean that you can suddenly let down your guard.

Its still very easy to fall back into

old, bad habits.

Its best to continue to be careful.

Don't get lazy.

3. It is 2483 miles from Nelsonville Ohio to Portland Oregon.

That is a really long way.

4. Every day actions can be really really beautiful.

5. For me to feel that I am being authentic I have discovered that it is

especially important for me to admit when I am afraid.

But there are few things that I love more then

the feeling of having done something that scared me.

Having done something that makes me feel brave.

6. Some things really are better in black and white.

What does it mean to be authentic?

I am a girl who has tried hard for pretty much for my entire life to make others happy. This is silly because of course I cant MAKE anyone else anything. But oh I tried. And much of the time this meant not being my authentic self. It meant giving up some part of myself that was important to me. It sometimes even meant lying about what I thought or wanted.
Why did I do this? I have no idea.

But I am now working every day to stop it.

And sometimes as I try to compensate for this tendency that I have, I overcompensate and get a little unreasonable or even mean. I feel defensive much more often then I want to.

BUT I am getting better.

Slowly but surely. One step and one day at a time.

And that upward trend brings hope and calm.

Because being my authentic self is worth working for! :)

And I have realized that being authentic also means admitting that there are parts of who you are that you may not like. I believe that humans are capable of real change, but while you are changing you have to be honest with yourself about who you are and what and why you want to change anyway.

There are parts of myself that I love and parts that I really don’t love.
There are parts that don’t make much sense.
There are silly parts and serious parts.
Good parts and not so good parts.

But being authentic means acknowledging ALL the parts.

So that is the plan.
That and to have a nice, quite, productive, relaxing, weekend of catching up.