home and a smattering of green thoughts

Well, here I am, home again after only a few days away. But even though it wasn't long this trip did a few things for me.

First being anywhere else makes me really, really appreciate here, and all the people and things I have here. A couple of months ago I was sort of presented with an opportunity and a reason to move away if I wanted to. Being faced suddenly with the idea that moving was a real, current option, it became incredibly clear to me that I don't want to leave.

And after a taste of California dessert (and oh was it a lovely taste), the Oregon green was a much needed gulp of water.

Growth wise, the vineyards in Napa were about a month ahead of ours here in Oregon. So in that way it almost felt like a glimpse into our future.

I got to see where we will be, to see some of the troubles they have had and take note of ways to avoid those problems. It was like those plants were warning us of wrong turns and gently encouraging us to go in a better direction.

I have also been having thoughts on hope. About how much we all need it, even when a hoped for thing seems unlikely or unrealistic. Maybe that is when we need it the most. Even when hope seems downright silly.

Having hope in this world is an act of bravery.

And, I think, a safe bet.

Another thought. Sometimes it feels easier to be alone.

And now suddenly I find myself not at all alone. At first I bask in it. Soak it all in. Enjoy it fully. And then I start to notice a lack of balance. I see important things being neglected, not because I don't care, but because I cant seem to turn away from the togetherness.

I begin to miss the comfort of solitude. The safety of it. Of not having to ask for so much from another person, but instead knowing that I can provide what I need myself. I find joy in creating, joy in nature. I alone decide where I spend my time and money. I love and need my friends and family, but there is another level of need that I alone fulfil.

I feel and think these things and a part of me wants to turn and run. To return to this way of being that is comfortable, that I know I can do.

But I don't.

Instead of running I allow myself to be pulled by some force of the universe towards this other person. I keep my eyes open and allow myself to move freely with it.

Because it might sometimes feel easier to be alone, but its not.

Its not easier and its certainly not better.

I don't know exactly what I want to say, or if I have said it. But whatever it is is asking to be said, and so I hope that my attempt will be enough for now.

Happy Thursday birds.

I hope the sun is shining where you are.

transitions and the art of living in the now

I am currently in a state of transition.

I mean really.

jobs, houses, states, marital status etc.

all the big things are changing

all at the same time.

And a very large part of

what that means is that the place I am now

figuratively and in real life,

is not where I will be 6 months from now.

its not permanent.

at all.

***

So its perfectly natural and easy to spend time thinking about the future and where I want to end up at the end of all this change. That planning and thought is important and necessary. If you don't think about where you want to go you probably wont end up in the place you want to be.

But the other side of that

is still being present and active in

and fully enjoying

your life right here and now.

***

And sadly

I have to admit that while being in this time of drastic change

I have found more and more often

that too much of my daily life is spent focused on the future.

And it is starting to effect me.

***

And here's the thing.

we are kind of ALWAYS in a state of transition

to some degree.

***

So transition cant be a reason

to not fully and thoroughly enjoy where we are.

It just cant.

There are too many amazing things to miss out on.

So as it turns out

once again the answer

to every important question

is balance.

Just like a glass of water

and deep breathing. :)

night friends.

after a few steps back

well.

This week did not turn out quite as well

as I hoped it would.

But I spent a little time thinking about this
and I think I have figured out why.

1. When I felt a lack of something I was turning outward instead of inward.

Instead of figuring out a way to sooth myself

I wanted someone else to fix it for me.

This hardly ever works.

2. I found myself dwelling too much on the past.

I was not letting go of regrets.

Instead I embraced the guilt that I sometimes feel so naturally.

But I am happy to report that one big positive from this week is that I was honest with a few important people in my life about how I was feeling. I tend to keep things to myself, which has not always served me well in the past. This week I didn't.

And now

I find myself faced with another decision.

Plans seem to just keep on changing,

which I suppose is just the nature of things,

but for a planner it can be a little hard to take.

But I think that these changes will be alright. And anyway I suppose I better get used to it because this seems to be the way that things work in real life (its odd how life sometimes doesn't feel all that much like real life...). The general idea I think will stay the same (go west, find a job, create a fresh start of sorts), its just the timing that will not be quite what I thought it would be. Its good to be reminded how to be flexible. To be reminded to do what feels right, to follow my intuition and trust in where that takes me.

And in the meantime there are lots and lots of good things.
So today I am going to make some books,
take a walk outside with a friend and our cameras,
cook,
write,
and see where it all takes me.

"God bless apples.

Apples make good sense when you are lonely for apples."

Ani and a thoughtful weekend

This weekend I drove with a couple of friends to Cincinnati to see Ani Difranco.
It was wonderful.
The music was great (she has been one of my favorites for years)
and it was great to get to spend a little time in a city -
and a city with a river and bridges is my favorite kind of city -
and I got to spend time with some dear friends who i had been missing more then I had realized.

And now I find myself wondering about my future.

This has been a common thread of thought lately and I don't mean to sound repetitive, but its hard not to dwell when there is so much that feels clouded and unknown. Oddly enough in the last couple of weeks I have not felt worried about it. I think about it more with interest, like I wonder in what way things will happen, but its as if I already know the ending.

I am confident that things will work out.

That I will somehow end up wherever I am supposed to be.

But I can honestly say

that right now

I don't know where that is.

And though its a huge comfort to feel sure that I will be ok (however unfounded that feeling may seem at times) I am still dying with impatience to know where and how and when and with who. Its as though I want to just get on with it already.

And while having these thoughts it has occurred to me that perhaps part of the purpose of the now knowing is the learning to let go of needing to know. Learning to be patient. To be quiet. To just wait and watch and listen and to let things unfold the way they need to, not the way I want them to. Because as much as I try to hurry it along, me impatiently tapping my foot is not going to make anything good come to me any faster.

So.

A new focus for the coming weeks and months:

Have patience

and faith enough in the universe

to allow things the time they need

to unfold the way they were meant to.

the very large question of what you want to do when you grow up

lately I find myself being faced with this question a lot. I mean really a lot. And I know that people mean well and ask because they are genuinely interested and hopeful for me and the wide open gulf of unknown that is my future right now, but the fact remains that every time I am asked this question I am faced again with the fact that I really don't know the answer.

and I realize that for some reason I am

talking as though I am under the impression

that there should be one clear answer to this question.

in all likely hood there isn't.

and there wont be.

for most people.

ever.

but wouldn't it be nice

if there was??

At this time in my life I suddenly have a lot of freedom - not necessarily options mind you, because I have to actually get offered a job before it is an option - but I currently have the freedom to choose a direction and run with it. To decide this is the thing that I have always wanted to do and now I am going to put all my time and energy into making it happen.

if I wanted to go back to school, I could do it.

If I wanted to actively pursue a career in one certain industry, I could do it.

and now that I am faced with all of this freedom, with this multitude of directions that I could choose to go in, I am finding that sometimes having endless options make the choice harder.

I need to narrow it down.

(Mind you, I do NOT have the luxury of deciding that what I want is to do something artistic and creative that will not provide any sort of real paycheck - because I am responsible for paying my own rent these days and if I don't put food on my table, no one else will.)

So... what to do.

In trying to find a place to start

I think about all the different things I love.

to travel

to take photographs

to make books

to write

to read

to organize

to be outdoors

to be with poeple

to cook

to create just about anything...

But then my practical side kicks in.

darn that practical side...

and I wonder how I can turn those things that I love into a practical, money making career.

Hmmmm.

I will be at my current job until April.

So I have approximately 3 months

to figure out what I want to do,

find an amazing job in a city I want to live in,

and get that job.

I had better get started.

a little christmas confession

This year so far has just not felt quite like Christmas to me.
I am sure it has to do with 1) the fact that work is insane busy and I have had hardly any time for anything else and 2) the fact that I am currently in the midst of getting divorced (regardless of the situation there is no getting around the fact that this is a very hard process).

But on Saturday I am going home to see family and that will be great.

In the near future (the next three months) I will also be quitting my job, moving to a new place (as yet unknown) and starting and hopefully ending the job search (- so if anyone knows of any promising job openings let me know :). It’s just a lot of change. And lately I have to admit it has been getting to me some.

It half feels full of possibility and like the start of some big adventure and half feels just a little bit terrifying.

So, starting tomorrow when I leave my work day behind

I am determined to feel more of the Christmas spirit

and to see the all the possibility in the

openness and unknown of my current future.

Now I am off to see who wins my book give away!
Only three people entered, so I think your odds are pretty good :)