reminder

found
here

trust and a slightly frantic day of planning

Hello birds!

There are grey skies in Portland today,
but the grey just makes the
green on the ground seem brighter.

Lately I have been focusing quite a bit

of time and energy on job searching.

And it has started to pay off a bit.

I had an interview with

some potential yesterday

and tomorrow I will hop

on a plane and fly to Atlanta

to interview with Delta.

I am not at all sure yet if I really want the job or the lifestyle,

but either way the interview process will be an adventure.

Honestly I have been feeling a little frantic at times.

The holidays bring weird emotions,

job searching is stressful,

being in a state of transition (still...)

and feeling that I cant fully settle in

where I am is stressful.

A random and comforting thought...

In church this week someone mentioned the idea of
going by feel to get to something holy.

This made me think of how essential it is to be able to trust our instincts, so that when we go by feel towards something, we end up where we want to go.

Then I started thinking about how important and awesome it is to really be able to trust yourself. But it also occurred to me that that trust does not and should not come automatically. That trust, like all trust, has to be earned.

Trust of the self has to be built and nourished the same way it has to be built with a best friend. It is our responsibility to have a self that is worthy of that trust.

I have not always made the greatest decisions.

And with good reason

I have not always trusted myself

or the decisions that I was making.

Following the path that seemed right at the time

did not always end up the way I thought it would.

But happily my record is improving and my trust in myself is building.
And being able to trust my instincts has made a pretty amazing difference.

So here's to having a self with some smarts.

thoughts on turning 30

As my 30th birthday creeps closer

(its now one week away to be exact)

I cant help but look both backwards and forwards.

30 isn't old.

I know that.

But it is OLDER,

and its hard to not look

at where I am,

what I have,

and what I have made of

this life so far.

People, like wine, I think only improve with age.
Right now I feel more myself then I ever have before.
More comfortable. More confident.
Happier to be who I am.

Truthfully

I am happy to be turning 30.

In some odd way I feel like leaving my 20's will allow me to

leave behind some of the mistakes and trauma and stupidity of that decade.

I will remember the good, and

let go of the bad.

I cant help but think

that my next ten years

are going to hold some

really fabulous things.

And I'm looking forward to it.

***

My path is getting clearer.

My goals and desires are

beginning to show themselves

(and my understanding of

what I DON'T want is growing)

And now I think I am finally equipped

to put everything I have

into attaining what is really

important to me.

So now I'm ready to bring on the 30's. :)

the occasional downward slope

I know that there are always ups and downs. I have always had ups and downs. For as long as I can remember. So why in the world am I surprised and dismayed when I suddenly find myself at the top of a downward slope? This has happened before, and I am sure it will happen again. So why do I still get this feeling of panic? of dread? of being out of control?

I step back and I try to see it logically.

I say to myself that I have been through this many times before.

I know that it wont last forever.

Its not that bad.

I say all these things to myself

but they are still not altogether convincing

when faced with it.

But.

The difference is

this time around I feel much better equipped to handle it,

to keep it at bay.

I know what to throw myself into,

what will most effectively keep my mind occupied

on good and productive things.

I have created limits for myself

and (mostly) stuck to them.

So this time its different.
This time, though I do feel a little dread,
I also feel hope.
(and the sunshine coming through my window)

the return of clarity

One of the things that I set out to do this weekend (perhaps unintentionally) was to find a little bit of clarity and peace and perspective (thank God I currently have a direction) after a slight trauma.

This particular trauma was small,

but there have been other,

larger traumas.

And the very comforting thought that came in the last few days

was that even after those

sometimes horrendous traumas,

clarity and peace did still return to me

eventually.

This weekend I had an odd desire to:

paint lots of pictures (and I am not a painter)

tear things out of magazines

take lots of photos

read

explore (a friend and I found a new train bridge)

drive and drive

and get rid of lots and lots of stuff.

trust and trees

The last 24 hours have not been great.

Without going into it I am now left feeling a mixture of 3 things.

Guilty.

Stupid.

and Angry.

And what it comes down to is I have always been

and I am still

way too trusting.

I assume that I can trust people until they prove to me that I cant.

Apparently this is a mistake.

So.

hopefully this time

my lesson has really been learned.

progress and a chat with my bridge

I had started to plan this transition a number of times before.

I had picked tentative dates to move, tentative last days at my current job.

Tentative everything.

But I never moved forward with those plans.

I never took steps to bring them any closer.

But this time things are different.

This time it suddenly feels right.

I don't know if the difference is that i am more ready this time,

or if its all in the timing -

but either way this time around it is all so much better.

I am actually making plans during the month of June

that involve me being on the west coast.

I am really starting to transition out of my current role at work.

I'm planning my big move.

I am doing things to take better care of myself.

And I am feeling better.

more positive.

more hopeful.

more like myself.

I feel more sure then before that I am on the right track

that maybe i really can improve

maybe I really can make up for my mistakes

and that maybe I really can do better next time.

Today I ate a bagel with Swiss cheese and had some delicious coffee while catching up on some favorite shows on hulu, went for a nice jog/walk since the gym is closed for spring break, made a stop at my favorite train bridge, took a drive, did a little shopping, spent some time in the sun, some time on the phone with my lovely sister, and spent some wonderful time relaxing.

So far its been a damn fine weekend.

today

it occurred to me

that my own understanding,

not anyone else's,

is what really matters.

That running is not the answer.

That I can do and be whatever I decide to be.

That people can start fresh.

That we can be forgiven.

That we can be who we want to be.

and now

I am really looking forward

to a little sleep

and to another day

full of good and bad,

tomorrow.

all in one day

some days the whole world looks like a big beautiful piece of art

that i cant seem to stop trying to capture and share

a new week

Overall the weekend was good.

I wish it had been longer.

I had some good times and good conversations
(which are always better when had with a shared bottle of wine)
and I think that I am getting better at being honest with myself.

Better at forgiving.
Better at limits.

Better at accepting the bad with the good

without too much sadness.

Today it is raining
And I am SO happy about it.

(I took my time walking through it and didn’t mind the odd looks of my coworkers)

Today I (so far):
got to talk to an old friend,
took a moment for myself during the day,
worked hard,
didn’t worry,

and turned inward instead of outward when my mind started going a direction I didn’t want it to.

So far its been a pretty good day.

I think I am ready for some cold weather. I want to bundle up. :)