trying is scary

Lately I havent been writing. And I have been wondering to myself why I have not been writing. I want to write. I really want to. I should do it. I need to do it. So why don't I just do it? If I really wanted to, I would, right? So does it follow that I don't really want to?

Nope, I think instead the reason is this:

Writing is scary.

At least for me it is. And I think mostly why its scary is because if I really truly try my very best, if I put my whole heart and soul into something and then I find out that even with all the effort I'm just not very good, it will be very, very heartbreaking.

This idea applies to most things in life... trying is scary.

This is also why once I have braved that great big blank page and have written something, the next step of showing it to someone becomes scary.

But of course, with writing (as well as anything else) if I don't try, if I don't just buckle down and do it, then I don't have even the slightest chance of not sucking. If I don't try then I suck automatically.

Today I really love THIS POST over at Unruly Helpmeet.

First drafts are always bad. Get used to it. Expect it. Don't worry about it. What a fantastic thought.

Signing off~ SS

authenticity, balance and bravery

I am and have always been oddly private.

When I first meet a new person I initially open up very quickly, which gives the illusion of openness, but about the deeper and more personal things I tend revert back to my reserved self.

I do still share, but personal and emotionally important nuggets have to be drawn out by a patient and sometimes quite stubborn individual.

I also want very much to be and feel close to people.

But I make it very hard for that to happen.

I have thought about my possible reasons and what have you,

but ultimately I think it comes down to

one more manifestation of fear’s ugly face.

Also lately there has been an upsetting
lack of inspiration and an abundance of doubt,
and it has just occurred to me that these are related.

I read this today about authenticity and spirituality.

This effort to reach for spirituality outside of realism is what pulls us away from the very authenticity we are trying to embrace. We cannot be spiritual when we are being something that we are not.

found HERE

I don’t need to be so afraid of sharing or showing my authentic self.

In fact the act of holding back

just may be actively keeping me

from finding what I am looking for,

spiritually,

creatively

and emotionally.

Being more honest and open
just may bring me closer to
finding my creative footing,
feeling more confident in my endeavors,
and finding the inspiration
and balance I have been looking for.

fear and the audacity of caring

Last night I had a small

fear related freak out.

But last night is over.

*

This morning

I am determined to feel better

and ready to go take on whatever

gets in my way.

I will not not do something

or not care about something

just because it might not work out.

*

That would be plain silly.

Instead I will work on

and work with the good

that is already around me.

And I will work

to create more of what I want.

***

And I will be brave enough to

care about every last bit of it.

rebuilding and hiding

***

Lately I have been feeling the need to self protect.

To take a break from the outside world

and dig in

and rebuild.

So I took the day off work

I am writing, drawing, painting,

focusing on the process instead of

what it is that's bothering me.

***

Trying to write or paint the way it feels

in hopes that that will make me feel it less,

or at least feel more in control of it.

***

I cant help but be frustrated with myself when even after knowing what an issue is, or knowing that I tend towards a certain thing that isn't good for me, I still want to do that thing. I still want whatever it is that I don't or shouldn't have. I still have the impulse. And I don't always talk myself out of giving in. I am frustrated that its not easier to do what's best. But it isn't. Its hard, and my frustration wont change that.

So with the rest of my day

I will drink my mocha in the quiet,

read my book, cook some good food

and try to stop thinking about it so hard.

Relinquish control and just

let what needs to happen happen.

Stop fighting so hard for something

that maybe I shouldn't have anyway.

Doubt

I arrived home

to find myself having a bit of a freak out.

I was fine, more then fine,

but suddenly I am surrounded by doubt and darkness.

Where there was confidence and faith,

there are now questions and fear.

I question it all.

I question too much.

And though I know that ALL my fears and worries aren't true

(they CANT be true... ??)

I am terrified that they are.

There is horror in it.

And I am afraid.

I know that the

strength of the feeling will pass.

but the seed of doubt that it planted

will be harder to discard.

When it came

I felt that I couldn't pretend

it wasn't there.

I couldn't pretend

that it wasn't frightening.

So I allowed it to wash over me, embraced it,

but only for a short time.

I felt I had to honestly share it.

And now I will try to begin

to climb my way back.

the very large question of what you want to do when you grow up

lately I find myself being faced with this question a lot. I mean really a lot. And I know that people mean well and ask because they are genuinely interested and hopeful for me and the wide open gulf of unknown that is my future right now, but the fact remains that every time I am asked this question I am faced again with the fact that I really don't know the answer.

and I realize that for some reason I am

talking as though I am under the impression

that there should be one clear answer to this question.

in all likely hood there isn't.

and there wont be.

for most people.

ever.

but wouldn't it be nice

if there was??

At this time in my life I suddenly have a lot of freedom - not necessarily options mind you, because I have to actually get offered a job before it is an option - but I currently have the freedom to choose a direction and run with it. To decide this is the thing that I have always wanted to do and now I am going to put all my time and energy into making it happen.

if I wanted to go back to school, I could do it.

If I wanted to actively pursue a career in one certain industry, I could do it.

and now that I am faced with all of this freedom, with this multitude of directions that I could choose to go in, I am finding that sometimes having endless options make the choice harder.

I need to narrow it down.

(Mind you, I do NOT have the luxury of deciding that what I want is to do something artistic and creative that will not provide any sort of real paycheck - because I am responsible for paying my own rent these days and if I don't put food on my table, no one else will.)

So... what to do.

In trying to find a place to start

I think about all the different things I love.

to travel

to take photographs

to make books

to write

to read

to organize

to be outdoors

to be with poeple

to cook

to create just about anything...

But then my practical side kicks in.

darn that practical side...

and I wonder how I can turn those things that I love into a practical, money making career.

Hmmmm.

I will be at my current job until April.

So I have approximately 3 months

to figure out what I want to do,

find an amazing job in a city I want to live in,

and get that job.

I had better get started.

self censoring

Yesterday this was on my mind. The idea of censoring ourselves. Holding back.

Why do we do it?

Mostly fear i think. Of rejection, of failure, of sharing something important and then not being valued.

But what are the benefits if we don't do it?

We become more creative. We become braver. We become more comfortable with ourselves and confident in our knowledge of who we are. We become less afraid of failure and rejection and more able to find value in ourselves instead of from the approval of others.

I think those positives far outweigh the negatives.
So what’s stopping us? Nothing of consequence.

Lets go for it.

Side note:
I have decided that Fear is silly. Of course I still feel it. Of course it still sometimes renders me unable to move. But at least those times are getting fewer. And some bit of progress is enough.

So, as part of the challenge what I did for myself yesterday was to be honest.

And I don’t mean that I just didn’t lie, what I mean is that I was open and honest and didn’t hold back (as much as usual). I shared myself with those I care about. I let them see what was in my head.

As odd as it may sound I am pretty private by nature.

It scares me to open myself up to other people and

I tend to hold back those things that are most precious to me.

Yesterday I tried my best not to do that.