a day for a drive

Today is a day to get out of town.

So that is what I'm going to do.

***

The last few days I have realized I have been allowing myself to only skim the surface of things. I haven't been looking deeper. At reasons. Motivations. Meanings. It may be easier in the sort run, but very quickly it gets old and empty and I miss the depth of things. So I am diving back in.

***

I have been thinking about giving

and being a friend to those who need one.

About letting the act of giving be

reward enough. And I have been

oddly content.

I have been enjoying the process

of creating, whether it be making a meal

or a painting.

Now its time for

a drive through the Gorge.

I will talk to you birds

tomorrow :)

a Sunday morning in the Spring

What to say.

I am leaving

soon.

Its after 1 and I have not yet made coffee.

Its a Sunday morning.

I have had quite a bit of luck with craigslist lately.

There is much more that I

need to do.

But I find myself spending more time

then I should

not moving at all.

Or if I do move, its as if

I'm moving in slow motion.

Lately I have spent a lot of time with people

and I have missed being alone.

I think sometime in the past few

dark and rainy days and nights

I said my goodbyes.

I am overcome with details.

maps and budgets

and lists

and boxes

that are not yet packed.

But I think saying goodbye

has been crossed off my

list of things to do.

I wish that what I needed now was action.

Productivity.

But it isn't.

What I need is quiet

and fresh air,

sunshine, a sketchbook

and a trail.

Self reliance.

Perhaps I should put it off

since I know that soon I will have more

time for these things then I know what to do with

but I do not think that they

will be put off for long.

monday

Too. Much. To do.
And an unfortunate lack of motivation.
Oh dear.

I think I will go to sleep instead.

:)

Indecision sucks

Sometimes I wonder how in the world anyone ever knows for sure what it is that they want. To do. To be. Anything. And sometimes I think that everything is just a substitute for something else. What I think I want now is to at least be aware of my real motivation for doing whatever I am doing.

So if I say I want to be published, I want to be an artist, I want a baby, I want a certain kind of home life, I want to feel inspired. I want to know why I want these things. And not just my surface reason – I want to know my real deep down, underneath it all reason. What need achieving these things will fulfill for me.

And I still think that doing something is almost always better then doing nothing. But I also know that that philosophy has caused me to make quite a few mistakes in this little life of mine.

I no longer think that regret is the worst thing in the world. But I do think that doing it the way I have done it has caused me (and some of those I love) more heartache then was necessary. I do not always do things the easiest or fastest or best way. I often take the long way around.

And I am still sometimes plagued by INSECURITY.
Annoying, silly, difficult, pointless insecurity.
Much of the time I think I have it pretty much under control,

and then this beast rears its head again.

I think we could all do such great things if we could manage to not stand in our own way.

I suppose if you are comfortable enough with who you are you don’t mind being told you are odd or different or if someone else doesn’t like you or what you do.
Different is ok I think.
Interesting even.
Better then a whole lot of other things I could be.
And no one will ever have the approval of everyone.
So why worry about it?

Instead I want to do things for me, not for the approval of the world at large.

Back to indecision.
Sometimes I think one of my main problems is that
I don’t want to live just one life.
There are just too many possibilities.
Too many really good options.

So far I haven’t been able to figure out how to choose just one.

I don’t quite know how to resolve that one yet.

My solutions for now:
Go slowly
Be content
Don’t be too unforgiving of myself or others

Immerse myself in the beauty of the world around me and in the joy of creating things

The foolish man seeks happinessin the distance,

the wise grows it under his feet.

James Oppenheim

the first warm day in a month

What I have been thinking about lately is why people do the things they do.
We have a goal, and we create a plan to get there. And then of course things change and we have to adapt, but theoretically that same main goal is still there.
So I wonder if we get that main goal will all other things suddenly fall into place and make sense and be better?
Not necessarily.
And I know there are a thousand goals, so many options *and that can be one of the hardest parts, is making a decision about what you are going to go for when there are so many good things out there to choose from. But once you have made that decision you have to run for it with everything you can. Run like a fool.
But again it is complicated by the fact that every goal is broken down to many smaller goals. Every thing we want is comprised of other things.

And its easy to see a part of some other person, or a part of their life or a part of who they are and to think that they have what you want. But who really knows. No one really knows what anyone else has or doesn’t have. So just think about what you have, and what you want and need and what you need to do to get it.

And don’t think too much about what you don’t or can’t have. And don’t depend on others for those things. Just wake up every morning and do what you can and try your best so you can feel good about yourself and content when you go to sleep again that night.