a lovely rainy weekend

This weekend I spent a fantastically rainy two days at the beach. It honestly poured the entire time, but it was somehow perfect, and very soothing. I got to spend time with M as well as have a nice Saturday night to myself while he went to work. I took a hot bath, read, wrote, watched a movie and listened to the rain in the dark.

Somehow the rain seems to have washed away something.

What was so unclear for these past months is becoming clear again. And it is such a relief.

I have always tended to make things harder then they needed to be, and lately has been no exception. But at least for right now I don't feel a need for perfection. I can see the beauty in the mess and find joy in it. At least for right now I can let go and not hold myself or the world to some crazy standard and expectation that should never have even entered my head in the first place.

Right now I see possibility and good things in the future for all of us.

Have an awesome Monday chickadees. ~S

trying is scary

Lately I havent been writing. And I have been wondering to myself why I have not been writing. I want to write. I really want to. I should do it. I need to do it. So why don't I just do it? If I really wanted to, I would, right? So does it follow that I don't really want to?

Nope, I think instead the reason is this:

Writing is scary.

At least for me it is. And I think mostly why its scary is because if I really truly try my very best, if I put my whole heart and soul into something and then I find out that even with all the effort I'm just not very good, it will be very, very heartbreaking.

This idea applies to most things in life... trying is scary.

This is also why once I have braved that great big blank page and have written something, the next step of showing it to someone becomes scary.

But of course, with writing (as well as anything else) if I don't try, if I don't just buckle down and do it, then I don't have even the slightest chance of not sucking. If I don't try then I suck automatically.

Today I really love THIS POST over at Unruly Helpmeet.

First drafts are always bad. Get used to it. Expect it. Don't worry about it. What a fantastic thought.

Signing off~ SS

book love and a good day for rain

A lovely large address book in super bright colors.

I am completely smitten with this new green book cloth. This is the first book I have made with it and I am very pleased.

***

A Simplicity lined journal in medium featuring a red leather flower over teal book cloth.

This book is a custom order and will be on its way to its new home shortly.

***
It started raining again in Portland after a few days of wonderful weather. But I don't mind. The grey sky and falling rain seem like more of a comfort then anything else. I am moving into a more quiet time. Maybe because I feel like there has been too much distraction and movement and some part of me feels I'm missing something.

Its time to take a break and re asses. Time to acknowledge and lick my wounds. Rainy days seem perfect for that sort of thing.

rocks and the beauty of imperfect things

On my last trip to the beach instead of being drawn to the lovely
perfectly rounded stones that had been worked by the ocean and turned into
an ideal image of what a sea stone should be, this time I was drawn
almost entirely to the imperfect ones.

The ones with an interesting texture or color or shape. The rough ones.

The ones that were still in the process of being worked into their most smooth and flawless selves.

Today I was thinking about how lovely it is to know things. How much easier life is when you have all the information, so you can lay it out in an organized way and then make the best and most logical decision based on what you have put before you.

But then I thought about how rarely we have all the information.

Usually we are lucky to even get a glimpse of a direction or a future or goal.
Usually there is a lot we don't know.
And that's ok. Its ok to not know. To just accept and hold on to
whatever small bit of knowledge you do have.
Be grateful for it and try to be patient with the rest.

priorities and looking that grey sky square in the face

found HERE ***

This has been on my mind lately. The idea that if something is important to you, you will make time for it (within reason of course). When someone says they don't have time for a thing or a person really what that means deep down is that they don't care enough about it to make a space for it in their life.

***

Lately I feel strongly about being honest.

About living in reality.

If I want something, I want to be honest with myself about WHY I want it. And then I can make the best most informed decision about it. Or if at a specific moment in time I need to go completely by feel, I will see that need, admit it, give myself permission and then go for it.

What I don't want to do is tell myself that something is a good decision when it isn't.

Or tell myself that I don't really want that thing anyway, when really I do want it. Desperately maybe. I want to admit that want, even if I know I wont get the thing I'm after. Pretending to not have the desire will only confuse things further.

I am currently sitting in a McDonald's (it was the closest place with wifi) drinking coffee and waiting for the breaks on my car to be repaired. Hopefully it will be finished in time for me to make my noon yoga class. Hope your day is full of productivity and clarity.

~s

underwater

Some thoughts after a day spent underwater...

*Its an amazing kind of solitude and forced being in the moment that is hard to find elsewhere.

*It forces me to see things in a new way. I am literally underneath when I am used to viewing from above. The physical change expands and becomes mental.

*The storm above does not translate below. Its like there is a buffer around me and I cannot be touched. I am cushioned from all but my immediate environment. The surrounding water is a comfort. Instead of feeling confined its freeing.

*Below everything has a twinge of blue.
*Communication is difficult so I am left with only my own mind and imagination and interpretations of senses. Sound is important.

*Its difficult to care or worry about other practical things. My focus is not on money or jealousy or some past mistake, instead I focus only on my next breath and the wonders that are in front of me.

for a monday morning

found here

structure and chaos

Today was another beautiful day.

Work went quickly, the sun was out,

and I ate my lunch outside people watching

while sitting on some stairs

near the downtown farmers market.

***

I find myself trying to organize my thoughts.

To make sense of things.

I read this passage in a book today:

"The level of structure that people seek

always is in direct ratio

to the amount of chaos they have inside them."

Abu

via Tom Robbins

in Skinny Legs and All

***

I sort of feel like that explains is.

the art of knowing when to walk away

I have no real explanation

for this photo extravaganza.

It was just the kind of day

that called for a walk down

the rail road tracks in

some really great shoes.

I didn't try to fight the urge.

***

I suppose I was thinking a bit about

the art of knowing when to walk away

(and when to stick around),

and how to look good while doing it.

wisdom

"The man who builds his house on sand knowing what can happen may be wiser than the man who builds his house on rock thinking it will last forever."

from "a box of sun"

by Joseph Pintauro

Guess what arrived in the mail today...

This lovely ring from Lisa's lovelies.

I was the lucky winner of a giveaway on her blog last week.

Thank you Lisa!

This ring was a welcome

and necessary pick me up

(along with some other

good news from afar).

The weekend was good

but I am once again feeling the

stress of all this change

and I am in need of some solitude

and quiet to process

and clear my head a bit.

So here is hoping that I find

the quiet and clarity that I crave.

a Sunday morning in the Spring

What to say.

I am leaving

soon.

Its after 1 and I have not yet made coffee.

Its a Sunday morning.

I have had quite a bit of luck with craigslist lately.

There is much more that I

need to do.

But I find myself spending more time

then I should

not moving at all.

Or if I do move, its as if

I'm moving in slow motion.

Lately I have spent a lot of time with people

and I have missed being alone.

I think sometime in the past few

dark and rainy days and nights

I said my goodbyes.

I am overcome with details.

maps and budgets

and lists

and boxes

that are not yet packed.

But I think saying goodbye

has been crossed off my

list of things to do.

I wish that what I needed now was action.

Productivity.

But it isn't.

What I need is quiet

and fresh air,

sunshine, a sketchbook

and a trail.

Self reliance.

Perhaps I should put it off

since I know that soon I will have more

time for these things then I know what to do with

but I do not think that they

will be put off for long.

that elusive balance

Today more then usual I find myself seeking balance.

Seeking people who bring calm and laughter and good conversation

instead of drama and insecurity.

Even the air outside today feels a little unsettled,

like its trying with all its might to rain but hasn't quite made it there yet.

Its somehow a reminder to me to bring balance to my own soul.

To not just get used to living under that

constant cloud of wanting.

In the next few days and weeks I will be seeking it.

I will paint.

Read poems.

Take photographs.

Organize.

Bake bread.
De-clutter.

Write.

I will hold on to reminders.

I will be awake in the quiet and calm of the early morning

and I will spend time with those who uplift and love.

Go do something lovely

on this spring Saturday.

:)

exploring on a sunny Sunday

trust and trees

The last 24 hours have not been great.

Without going into it I am now left feeling a mixture of 3 things.

Guilty.

Stupid.

and Angry.

And what it comes down to is I have always been

and I am still

way too trusting.

I assume that I can trust people until they prove to me that I cant.

Apparently this is a mistake.

So.

hopefully this time

my lesson has really been learned.

behind the lens (or pen)...

a confession of sorts:

Sometimes I worry that in trying to capture a moment in words or images I neglect to actually experience the moment as much as I could or should. I worry that in trying to remember the experience I find myself feeling separate from it. That even when I am in it I am already seeing it more through the lens of a memory then I do through my own present eyes.

I don't want this to be the case.

But I also dearly love the act of capturing
a beautiful place or moment in words or images
(or both).
And I don't want to give that up either.

I am not sure that I have the perfect solution just yet...

(but on the bright side there are certainly worse problems to have :)

EDIT:

PS.

I am also looking for some good book recommendations.

Any ideas?

Thanks! :)

meanderings for a Thursday afternoon

2 days ago I had a day where I wanted something,

I asked for it,

and then I got just exactly what I wanted to get.

It was actually quite lovely.

Also,

There are certain people in this world (some of whom I have never met in person) who I would really like to live next door to. That way we could meet for tea or a glass of wine in the evening and chat about our lives and loves and losses and all the things that we have learned.

It would really be a delightful neighborhood.

Also

sometimes I am amazed by the resilience of people,

especially women.

Also

I am amazed by the way that things continue on, like whatever tragedy or magical happening that just occurred in your life doesn't change everything in the world around you like you expect it to. I guess what it changes is how you see everything in the world around you - the things themselves don't actually change much at all. What changes, is actually you.

And sometimes I still do stupid things that I wish I wouldn't do. I will probably always occasionally (though I hope less and less often) do these things. I can regret them and I can learn from them, but holding onto it will do no good. Feel it. Learn from it. Try to do better next time. But discard the guilt. Just toss it out the next open window you pass by and don't give it another thought. Its really the only rational thing that can be done with it.

a beautiful day

well.

today has been an amazingly good day.

I cant say why exactly except that

the parts that I wanted to move quickly, did,

the anxiety that I generally feel over other parts

was no where to be found,

and I was somehow able to feel oddly connected

to my work,

to the beautiful spring day that was waiting

for me outside my door,

to the music that I listened to,

to friends who can communicate volumes

with a telling look,

to my food,

to the wonderful original art

(found here, here, here and here)

that arrived on my doorstep,

to the wind as I drove with my windows down.

perhaps it was some part of me

waking up after a long

and difficult winter.

perhaps there was something in the air.

Either way,

whatever it was,

I enjoyed every minute of it.

:)

7 things to help me stop feeling like I am about to spiral wildly out of control...

(because my Dad

always taught me that

7 was a lucky number)

1. Stop spending money.

Save it.

Keep track of where it goes. These kinds of things are good to know.

2. Stop working insane hours and take time for myself,

to listen to music and ponder and write

about my life and current path.

3. Exercise.

4. Take time to cook good meals.

5. Clean. (Dirty dishes, this means you.)

6. Take time to do fun grooming things like whitening my teeth and painting my toe nails.

7. Accept help and love and friendship when they are offered.

Don't wreck it with definition.

also, a friend sent me this

very thoughtful reminder today

to keep in mind as I plan my future:

"Stay hungry.

Stay Foolish."

Steve Jobs

not as random as it seems...

the world is moving.
all the time.
for better or for worse
things will not be the same tomorrow
as they are today.

some days i am so grateful for this thought

other days i curse it.

Try to take what is painful and difficult about today and turn it into something beautiful tomorrow.

Loss is inevitable, but what you make it into isn't.

Sometimes something

that isn't quite

perfect

is still pretty

darn

good.

Things look even better when you take

just a few steps back.

Sometimes

you have to fight

amazingly hard

in order to not have to fight in the future.