a gift

credit

via KOM

***

I hope you all had a wonderful long 4th of July weekend.

Mine was great, and now I am looking ahead to a busy week, incredible weather, being very productive, and possibly ending it with another weekend spent at the beach.

I love work weeks that start with a Tuesday. :)

money and everything else

It has been raining for what feels like days and days out here in lovely Portland.

The sky keeps switching from grey to an amazing bright blue with shimmery clouds.

Its been a good week.

***

This morning I got a job offer for a job that I was quite happy to even find and apply for. It's to be a publishing assistant, which is not at all glamorous, but for years I have wanted to work in publishing and have not had the opportunity. This very entry level job may be a way in for me. But (there is always a but isn't there...) the pay is quite low. This was expected. Many jobs in the industry are this way, especially very entry level ones like this one. But this is excessively low. Low enough that even with my very cheap single lifestyle I am not sure I could swing it.

So now I am torn.

I want to take the job.

I think it would be good experience for me

and will help me determine if publishing

is really what I want to pursue a career in.

***

And I do understand the value of having a job I like

and of getting experience I will need.

But I also understand the value of having a savings account.

Or of being able to travel,

or fix my car when it breaks,

or buy a new pair of jeans or a latte when I want to.

And not being able to do those things is hard.

*

So now I find

myself thinking about balancing

the importance of money

with the importance of

everything else.

creating structure in a structure less life

Well, due to recent (and not so recent) changes (employment and otherwise), I have recently realized and accepted the fact that I am not going to be working a normal 9-5 job for the next few months. This will probably be the case until the end of January ish.

In many ways this is pretty awesome. I am going to get to see for a little while what this kind of a life is like. And I have to tell you, I have often wondered.

But I do think it’s going to take some getting used to.

I also feel a little pressure (pressure which I of course am putting on myself) to not waste this time. I have so many things that I want to do. I don’t want to get to the end of these months and realize that all I have done with them is screw around and accomplish a whole lot of nothing.

Because of my natural tendencies one thing I have seen in the past few weeks is that I desperately need a little structure. This new life of mine does not provide any, so I am going to have to make some myself.

Here is what I have determined so far:

Getting up early is important.
AM yoga improves my day.
Breakfast is a must.
I need to shower and make myself feel cute and presentable every day (early), even if I don’t have anything technically planned that necessitates it.
Sometimes I need to do work somewhere other then my house.
I should not spend all day on my laptop.
Creative work should be broken up with other work. I need the balance.

I need to learn to make small goals and feel joy when I accomplish them.

*

I know there are a whole lot of artists

out there who do not have day jobs.

How do you all create structure from the chaos?

lets make a mess

credit

a summer day

some really great things about today...

camping this weekend

the smell of lavender filling my bedroom

finally getting a little organized

pay day

sending a surprise letter and package

driving with the windows down

a good long phone call

a summer day that really feels like a summer day

staying up later then is good for me
:)

thoughts on divorce

Late tonight I will get on a plane and go back to Ohio.

Not for long, just a few days.

I will see some friends,

go to some favorite restaurants,

and I will finalize my divorce.

Its odd

to think that it will be final.

No longer in process.

Final.

The word is so...

well, final.

In some ways it already feels final. We have been separated for almost an entire year so the divorce going through wont actually make much difference in my daily life. But somehow it will still feel different. It still feels significant.

When I think about it there are three

sensations I can pick out

(besides odd if that counts as a sensation...)

1. sadness

No explanation needed.

2. relief

There will certainly be a sense of relief to just have it done,

in the sense that it has been a very big "to do" on my list that can finally be completely checked off.

3. guilt

Guilt that I didn't do things differently.

Guilt that I wasn't better.

Guilt that I couldn't somehow just fix it.

There are endless things I can feel guilty about,

though I am aware its not a very productive place to dwell.

Truthfully I think

that this is something

I will have to work my whole life to fully let go of.

To forgive myself for.

I have been having

bad dreams again,

which is something that hasn't

happened in a long time.

I think its all affecting me

more then I had wanted to admit.

But I am admitting it now.

***

Don't get me wrong, I am ok, and I know I will be ok. I know that my life will go on (and has already) and that it will be full and meaningful and good. And I know that he will be ok too, and that on some level we will always care for each other. But this will still always be there.

***

So please send me some toughness and love

if you have any to spare :)

***

ALSO:

I have decided it will be good for me to

"unplug" for a bit.

So I am not bringing my laptop with me

on my upcoming trip.

It will just be me, my journal and real conversation

with whoever I happen to run into. :)

I will be back late thursday night.

Have a great weekend all!

an artist's life vs. the day job

I am now going to talk about the slightly taboo subject of money.

Please turn away if you must.

As I have been working hard at the job search I cant help but think about all those talented and lucky individuals who are able to make their art and etsy their day job.

I have thought long and hard about it.

And frankly, it sounds divine.

But I also know that

its jsut not in the cards

for me right now.

I have never had the etsy sales

to support that lifestyle,

plus I don't have a significant other

to help supplement my meager income.

So,

what I really need right now

is a steady pay check

and a job with benefits

(because for an accident prone girl like me,

health insurance matters).

And that's ok.

While I might covet the life

of a full time artist

I am content with

the portion of it that I currently have.

Because hey,

nights and weekends

is certainly better then nothing. :)

* Today I have been super productive.

Sometimes that just makes everything better.

*Yesterday I was feeling a bit off.

So tonight I need to spend some time thinking about WHY.

*After all the chaos of the last week or two the house is now empty.

I am thoroughly enjoying the quiet.

*Every good thing has its drawbacks.

* I have been a bit surprised this week to learn how much other people are effected

by my life and choices. Its like I was so wrapped up in my own trauma

and experience that I didn't see how the whole situation was also

effecting pretty much all the people I am close to in my life.

* I have always known that I needed

to make my life meaningful.

But I am realizing that what constitutes that meaning

may change as time goes by.

trust and trees

The last 24 hours have not been great.

Without going into it I am now left feeling a mixture of 3 things.

Guilty.

Stupid.

and Angry.

And what it comes down to is I have always been

and I am still

way too trusting.

I assume that I can trust people until they prove to me that I cant.

Apparently this is a mistake.

So.

hopefully this time

my lesson has really been learned.

odd odd odd

This has been a really weird week .
Full of disillusionment and some good times and some disappointing ones.
Sometimes time goes way to fast.
Sometimes there are so many things I want to do I wonder how I will ever get to all of them
and sometimes I can’t think of one thing I want to do besides take a nap.

I am feeling just the littlest bit broken,
but not yet completely unable to go on.

Just a little worn out from the effort.
and perhaps done putting my effort into things that don’t seem to go anywhere.

Perhaps that just means I am learning or getting smarter.

Perhaps not.

I never was one who was very good at knowing when to walk away.

I also think that leaving the house in the dark

and coming home in the dark are getting to me.
I miss the daylight.
This weekend when I am finally not chained to a desk all day

I will be sure to spend lots of time outside in the sunshine,

regardless of how cold it may be.

here's to effort and going out to lunch with the girls...

distracted

by...

actual work
etsy
my new Nick Hornby book

trying to find the perfect striped or plaid trench coat

(any ideas would be appreciated!)
and maybe the perfect pair of brown boots too…
the kitchen

negative thoughts I am trying to talk myself out of

and
Lucy

(who likes to make herself very hard to ignore)

there is always more then one way...

today

way WAY too much work to do
lots of desire for sleep
guilt at my lack of productivity
rejection of guilt (it’s a pretty pointless emotion overall…)
dinner
more work
(but no cleaning of my house)
a little writing
a little reading

lovely sleep (I am fondly anticipating this part of the day…)

there was a lovely strong wind all day today.
It feels more and more like Fall every day.
I should not have skipped my hike.

Today is my 200th blog post.

Latley i have a strong desire to revisit my views on religion.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

~Kenji Miyazawa

a bit of explination

So in terms of a bit of explanation, I feel that I may have been acting slightly crazy lately, and if not acting it (at least enough for you to notice it here) I have certainly been feeling it. I do though have a good reason.

My husband and I have recently decided to separate. It is not necessarily permanent at this point (we will just have to see how it goes) but it was still a very difficult decision to make. But just having made the decision is already helping alleviate the stress.

Daily I feel reassured that it is a right choice (at least for now).

I often wonder how personal to get on this blog, I think generally I disclose rather personal thoughts, but never with much detail about the actual events of my life. In this case I thought it better to just put it out there, since this is kind of a large change.

Almost everyone who reads this blog is someone that I have never met in real life. I have not told many people in my daily life about it. I think I like the anonymity I feel it brings me; to be able to share these things and not feel any judgment by people I actually see every day. I am not sure if that makes sense to the rest of you, but it makes sense to me.

It also occurs to me that it might be good for me to get better at sharing with those I see every day…

Anyway, I think the actual act of writing things down is sometimes the point to begin with, regardless of who reads it.

I have plans for this time. Plans that involve solitude, big thinking, writing and deciding. I want it to be soulful solitude. Along I hope with some good food, friends, drink, the making of pretty things, the occasional poker night, some very real conversations, a torch, some glue, a bit of dancing and much laughing.

I do not want to waste this time and I plan to go to great lengths to make sure that I don’t.

This will be a busy weekend.
But not to worry, I will take photos :)

Sweeping leaves on a windy day

Some days all the effort in the world doesn’t seem to do much good.

I am having a rough day.
I am sure you are tiered of hearing this. Sorry.
I am trying my best but sometimes it is so hard to know what path to take, and sometimes even harder to actually take it.
How does one know what they want or need? Do most people see these things clearly?
Sometimes I have no idea.

I am trying.

In happier news I have a jewelry class that goes all weekend and I cannot wait.I am pretty much all self-taught so it will be wonderful to get to meet and converse with and learn from those who have a more technical knowledge of the craft.

Now I am off to the post office and to enjoy the rain on this cool summer day.

dive in

I call this my brave painting...

I bought this painting off the wall of a local bagel shop.

It is painted on the glass pane of an old window.

I have no idea if it will last. But I really love it.

It makes me think of doing something brave.

Of diving off into the abyss of the unknown even when its scary.

I love how huge the unknown seems to be.

This painting makes me feel brave.

I know this has been a bit of a recurring theme with me lately. I have something coming up that is going to take quite a bit of bravery. It will be hard but it will also bring me to a much better place then where I am now. It needs to be done and I have been putting it off for a long time.

This time I am going to be brave.

I think often the things I write

here are in my head

in large part because

I am trying to convince myself.

Anyway, I had a bit of a tough day yesterday, but today I woke up with more resolve, a clear head and a clearer picture of what I need to do. Being afraid does not have to be a reason not to act.

Wish me luck!

i need a nap

Well, I did not get quite so much sleep last night as I would have hoped. But that is all right because staying up to spend time with an old friend certainly seems worth it to me.

I have high hopes for this day today for no apparent reason. (its another optimist will not die moment I think as there is actually reason to believe that things during this work day might be quite a bit less then ideal… but no matter, I will power through).

Work work work, some coffee to help me through, friends for dinner tonight and then the new Harry Potter movie. (Yes, I said it, I am seeing the new Harry Potter movie pretty much on its opening day)…

Also I will publicly admit here and now that I sometimes do some very silly things.
Oh dear. I think its perhaps best not to dwell on this one…

Anyway, I am off to be productive at my day job and perhaps do a little sketching and thinking for my etsy job (which I suppose makes me less productive at the day job...)

Also can anyone think of any words that are both a noun and a verb? Like sprout is one example. If you can think of any I would love to hear them.

Thanks! :)

4th of July

Laying on a blanket waiting for fireworks

We hiked to a waterfall

My mothers famous green drink

the weekend

A triple dinner date
A Michael Jackson dance night
Writing and thinking
Some experimenting in the studio
A drive to the airport
A barbeque
A Sunday brunch

And early to bed in preparation for the week ahead

a rant and a rave

Sometimes there are days when you want to see results.
When you want to see the fruits of your labor.
After you have worked hard and you are ready for a little reward.
Today is one of those days.

And I know I should be patient.
I know there are time lines and plans at work that I am not aware of.
I do try to be patient.
And I know that it is very likely that I will end up frustrated.
But sometimes a little reward would be nice.

Sometimes there is just not time enough in the day to do all the thing you want to do. And its unfortunate that I keep finding myself giving up things that I should not give up so easily.

I know I can still change, that every day is a new start, a chance to be better. But it’s hard to really believe that things will change when days go by and things stay more or less the same. I know the possibility of change is there, but it doesn’t seem to ever pan out. So its hard to really believe that it can or will happen.

I just don’t want to feel that I have wasted my life.I don’t even know exactly what I mean by that. But I think it’s worth thinking more about.

Sorry, this has been a bit of a rant. I decided to give myself permission today. Just one of those moody mornings I guess. It will pass.

On a more positive note:

Here are 10 things

I love that are in every day:

1. a hello to those I love
2. my pets
3. laughing at something ever so silly
4. a warm drink in the morning
5. the quite of being the first one awake
6. work
7. writing
8. planning
9. being outside and soaking it in

(whether it be rain or shine or storm –

last night was storm and I couldn’t help but sit on the porch and watch it)
10. creating something (whether it be jewelry,

a poem or a yummy dinner for T and I)

the plan for today

stop thinking so hard and so much
breathe
stand up and stretch
let it go
smile at the sun
and move on.

And perhaps tonight try to get in a little studio time :)

Now time for my second cup…