thoughts on stupid

Sometimes every smart girl needs a little stupid.

found via yes and yes

on bravery

found here

watch me

found here

authenticity, balance and bravery

I am and have always been oddly private.

When I first meet a new person I initially open up very quickly, which gives the illusion of openness, but about the deeper and more personal things I tend revert back to my reserved self.

I do still share, but personal and emotionally important nuggets have to be drawn out by a patient and sometimes quite stubborn individual.

I also want very much to be and feel close to people.

But I make it very hard for that to happen.

I have thought about my possible reasons and what have you,

but ultimately I think it comes down to

one more manifestation of fear’s ugly face.

Also lately there has been an upsetting
lack of inspiration and an abundance of doubt,
and it has just occurred to me that these are related.

I read this today about authenticity and spirituality.

This effort to reach for spirituality outside of realism is what pulls us away from the very authenticity we are trying to embrace. We cannot be spiritual when we are being something that we are not.

found HERE

I don’t need to be so afraid of sharing or showing my authentic self.

In fact the act of holding back

just may be actively keeping me

from finding what I am looking for,

spiritually,

creatively

and emotionally.

Being more honest and open
just may bring me closer to
finding my creative footing,
feeling more confident in my endeavors,
and finding the inspiration
and balance I have been looking for.

fear and the audacity of caring

Last night I had a small

fear related freak out.

But last night is over.

*

This morning

I am determined to feel better

and ready to go take on whatever

gets in my way.

I will not not do something

or not care about something

just because it might not work out.

*

That would be plain silly.

Instead I will work on

and work with the good

that is already around me.

And I will work

to create more of what I want.

***

And I will be brave enough to

care about every last bit of it.

an ode to daring

frolicking

bookmaking

sky

well.

last night was slightly traumatic

for reasons that I wont go into.

But, after a good cry

and some much needed sleep

I woke up this morning feeling...

well, to be quite frank I felt done.

Done doing things that aren't good for me and done putting too much stock into the opinions of those who don't want whats best for me and who aren't there when they are needed.

Done with taking other people's s*&%

and ready to turn around and walk away from anything or anyone that gives me trouble.

Ready to run over anything that gets in my way.

I woke up feeling sassy

and independent

and capable.

I then went to breakfast with a great group from work and proceeded to have a wonderful day.

risk

The only way to find true happiness

is to risk being completely cut open.

(Chuck Palahniuk)

today

it occurred to me

that my own understanding,

not anyone else's,

is what really matters.

That running is not the answer.

That I can do and be whatever I decide to be.

That people can start fresh.

That we can be forgiven.

That we can be who we want to be.

and now

I am really looking forward

to a little sleep

and to another day

full of good and bad,

tomorrow.

a sky that made me stop in my tracks

fear will not

be a motivation

for anything -

anymore

:)

Check THIS out for some

yummy food images

home and inevitable change

I have to make one more small confession.

I did enjoy Christmas and the whole hullabaloo,

but i am also quite glad that its all over.

i want to go back to my normal little life where i can be quiet when i want to and noisy when i want to.

i missed my cat and my very small house and my lime green curtains and my bed and the purple couch.

as odd as it may seem i like those things, though they were meant to be temporary and they are not fancy.

The truth is I have found some peace and contentment here
in this place
this house
this setting
this state.
and i worry that i will lose it somehow when i leave here.
i have gotten comfortable.
and leaving a place where you are comfortable is never easy.

But really i think that is partly why i did this the way i did. I told my job very early that i was leaving. I gave them a time line and a date for my departure. I think i did this in part to force myself into it. Otherwise, knowing that i would get comfortable here, i feared that i wouldn't leave. and at least at the time i felt that leaving was the best move for me.

so i guess the best option is to stick with what i decided.

to trust it.

stop questioning it.

of course a part of me wants to stay.

of course a part of me is afraid of this great big unknown

that is fast approaching and will very soon be my reality.

but that's ok.

doing something a little scary never hurt anyone.

sometimes i think i have to TRY to get contentment from the things that i know and love and have wanted and fought for.

it doesn't always come easily.

But there are moments when it isn't so hard.

and those help you get through the other moments.

I hear that tomorrow on new years eve there will be a blue moon and partial lunar eclipse.
Don't miss it! :)

the beginning and the end

So, today I was thinking a little about forgiveness, and when enough is enough, and walking away, and endings and beginnings. Just a few little things. :)

And what I think is that there IS such a thing as too much. And there IS a time when you need to say enough is enough. And it IS ok – scratch that, necessary even - to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you wanted them to.
That’s just the way it goes.
We are all going to get hurt sometimes.
And it’s OK.
Easy even.
No need to worry or dwell or think it’s worse than it is.
The sun will come out tomorrow.
I promise.
So no worries.

Sometimes the point is just to do something.
To be BRAVE.
So let’s get on with it already.

Also, playing it too safe is not productive.
And making things really does make every day better.

now go have a good saturday night!

(word count - 13,342)

writing, being brave, and the view from my window when i woke up this morning

I have decided officially that I am going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year.

Basically what that means is I am going to write 50,000 words of a novel in the month of November. (for more details go here!)

And I have to admit that it is a bit scary, but I am excited and am pretty sure it’s going to be a great experience. Knowing that I also work full time (at a pretty demanding job) have two etsy shops, a house to clean and take care of, and that I will be visiting family for a whole week during the month of November, is all slightly intimidating when I think of the rather large task at hand, BUT I have decided to not let those things stop me from doing something that I want to do that I have never done before.

To be honest I am less worried about not getting the thing written

then I am about ignoring and doing a bad job at everything else while I do it.

But it’s only a month after all.

Everything will still be there when my month is over.

A friend once told me to hold fear at arm’s length,

to never let it get too close.
I like that.

So here I go! :)
Wish me luck.

this is what the sky looked like when i woke up this morning.

a path to follow

The path is always there for us to follow

If we can have the strength to do so.

dive in

I call this my brave painting...

I bought this painting off the wall of a local bagel shop.

It is painted on the glass pane of an old window.

I have no idea if it will last. But I really love it.

It makes me think of doing something brave.

Of diving off into the abyss of the unknown even when its scary.

I love how huge the unknown seems to be.

This painting makes me feel brave.

I know this has been a bit of a recurring theme with me lately. I have something coming up that is going to take quite a bit of bravery. It will be hard but it will also bring me to a much better place then where I am now. It needs to be done and I have been putting it off for a long time.

This time I am going to be brave.

I think often the things I write

here are in my head

in large part because

I am trying to convince myself.

Anyway, I had a bit of a tough day yesterday, but today I woke up with more resolve, a clear head and a clearer picture of what I need to do. Being afraid does not have to be a reason not to act.

Wish me luck!

Realizations and reminders

LOOK CLOSER
Be ready for rain or shine.
Respond with laughter instead of tears or angry words…
Keep putting one foot in front of the other

Here is something I have realized.
Though on the surface I am calm and in control, deep down I am BOLD and BRAVE.
And these things come out at the moments I need them most.

I need to give myself more credit. Have a little more faith.

And though I do so love to live in the middle, sometimes (at least for me) it is oh so very important to take a side. To make a decision and not be afraid to tell people about it. To stand up for it.

And yesterday I had quite a reminder that there is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable. Growth is not easy. Its not supposed to be. Nothing gets better without a few growing pains. Take a risk. It will turn out ok in the end.

self censoring

Yesterday this was on my mind. The idea of censoring ourselves. Holding back.

Why do we do it?

Mostly fear i think. Of rejection, of failure, of sharing something important and then not being valued.

But what are the benefits if we don't do it?

We become more creative. We become braver. We become more comfortable with ourselves and confident in our knowledge of who we are. We become less afraid of failure and rejection and more able to find value in ourselves instead of from the approval of others.

I think those positives far outweigh the negatives.
So what’s stopping us? Nothing of consequence.

Lets go for it.

Side note:
I have decided that Fear is silly. Of course I still feel it. Of course it still sometimes renders me unable to move. But at least those times are getting fewer. And some bit of progress is enough.

So, as part of the challenge what I did for myself yesterday was to be honest.

And I don’t mean that I just didn’t lie, what I mean is that I was open and honest and didn’t hold back (as much as usual). I shared myself with those I care about. I let them see what was in my head.

As odd as it may sound I am pretty private by nature.

It scares me to open myself up to other people and

I tend to hold back those things that are most precious to me.

Yesterday I tried my best not to do that.

You are BRAVER then you think

Pretty much all the time I have my ears open for a good title for a book or piece of jewelry, I think a lot can go into a name and I try, especially with my books, to give them a name that means something to me and hopefully will to others who connect with the piece.

I was in a grocery store recently and heard a woman say "You are braver then you think" to someone on the other end of her cell phone. It was completely sincere and heartfelt and I thought wouldn’t it do us all good to be reminded of that.

So one of these days I will make something that is the perfect fit for that name.