happy birthday to me, for real this time

This weekend held:

a bit of relaxation, a bit of running around, quite a bit of fun, a lively game of charades,

the return of some very old friends, feeling connection, a recommitting to the necessity that is

self care, some deep breathing, a bit of a renewal of faith, or at least the need for faith,

and a visit to my original favorite train bridge.

The bridge that began the love of bridges.

(out reunion was a very happy moment)

A few other thoughts:

1) I can be strong. Very strong in fact.

But that doesn't mean that I always want to be.

Sometimes it is ok to want to be

a little bit taken care of.

2) Healing takes time.

3) Guilt is not a good reason to do something.

4) and I don't think I will ever stop

being surprised by the goodness of some people.

Though I do believe strongly

that people can change,

I also have found some comfort in the fact

that the basic, fundamental YOUness doesn't

seem to change. Whatever it is that made you you when

you were young and untarnished by the world

is still you at any age. Getting wiser and more

experience doesn't make you lose that,

it only makes you a better version of it.

I'm now

OFFICIALLY 30

and I'm convinced

that its gonna

be awesome. :)

thoughts on divorce

Late tonight I will get on a plane and go back to Ohio.

Not for long, just a few days.

I will see some friends,

go to some favorite restaurants,

and I will finalize my divorce.

Its odd

to think that it will be final.

No longer in process.

Final.

The word is so...

well, final.

In some ways it already feels final. We have been separated for almost an entire year so the divorce going through wont actually make much difference in my daily life. But somehow it will still feel different. It still feels significant.

When I think about it there are three

sensations I can pick out

(besides odd if that counts as a sensation...)

1. sadness

No explanation needed.

2. relief

There will certainly be a sense of relief to just have it done,

in the sense that it has been a very big "to do" on my list that can finally be completely checked off.

3. guilt

Guilt that I didn't do things differently.

Guilt that I wasn't better.

Guilt that I couldn't somehow just fix it.

There are endless things I can feel guilty about,

though I am aware its not a very productive place to dwell.

Truthfully I think

that this is something

I will have to work my whole life to fully let go of.

To forgive myself for.

I have been having

bad dreams again,

which is something that hasn't

happened in a long time.

I think its all affecting me

more then I had wanted to admit.

But I am admitting it now.

***

Don't get me wrong, I am ok, and I know I will be ok. I know that my life will go on (and has already) and that it will be full and meaningful and good. And I know that he will be ok too, and that on some level we will always care for each other. But this will still always be there.

***

So please send me some toughness and love

if you have any to spare :)

***

ALSO:

I have decided it will be good for me to

"unplug" for a bit.

So I am not bringing my laptop with me

on my upcoming trip.

It will just be me, my journal and real conversation

with whoever I happen to run into. :)

I will be back late thursday night.

Have a great weekend all!

trust and trees

The last 24 hours have not been great.

Without going into it I am now left feeling a mixture of 3 things.

Guilty.

Stupid.

and Angry.

And what it comes down to is I have always been

and I am still

way too trusting.

I assume that I can trust people until they prove to me that I cant.

Apparently this is a mistake.

So.

hopefully this time

my lesson has really been learned.

meanderings for a Thursday afternoon

2 days ago I had a day where I wanted something,

I asked for it,

and then I got just exactly what I wanted to get.

It was actually quite lovely.

Also,

There are certain people in this world (some of whom I have never met in person) who I would really like to live next door to. That way we could meet for tea or a glass of wine in the evening and chat about our lives and loves and losses and all the things that we have learned.

It would really be a delightful neighborhood.

Also

sometimes I am amazed by the resilience of people,

especially women.

Also

I am amazed by the way that things continue on, like whatever tragedy or magical happening that just occurred in your life doesn't change everything in the world around you like you expect it to. I guess what it changes is how you see everything in the world around you - the things themselves don't actually change much at all. What changes, is actually you.

And sometimes I still do stupid things that I wish I wouldn't do. I will probably always occasionally (though I hope less and less often) do these things. I can regret them and I can learn from them, but holding onto it will do no good. Feel it. Learn from it. Try to do better next time. But discard the guilt. Just toss it out the next open window you pass by and don't give it another thought. Its really the only rational thing that can be done with it.