where I wanna go

found here

home and a smattering of green thoughts

Well, here I am, home again after only a few days away. But even though it wasn't long this trip did a few things for me.

First being anywhere else makes me really, really appreciate here, and all the people and things I have here. A couple of months ago I was sort of presented with an opportunity and a reason to move away if I wanted to. Being faced suddenly with the idea that moving was a real, current option, it became incredibly clear to me that I don't want to leave.

And after a taste of California dessert (and oh was it a lovely taste), the Oregon green was a much needed gulp of water.

Growth wise, the vineyards in Napa were about a month ahead of ours here in Oregon. So in that way it almost felt like a glimpse into our future.

I got to see where we will be, to see some of the troubles they have had and take note of ways to avoid those problems. It was like those plants were warning us of wrong turns and gently encouraging us to go in a better direction.

I have also been having thoughts on hope. About how much we all need it, even when a hoped for thing seems unlikely or unrealistic. Maybe that is when we need it the most. Even when hope seems downright silly.

Having hope in this world is an act of bravery.

And, I think, a safe bet.

Another thought. Sometimes it feels easier to be alone.

And now suddenly I find myself not at all alone. At first I bask in it. Soak it all in. Enjoy it fully. And then I start to notice a lack of balance. I see important things being neglected, not because I don't care, but because I cant seem to turn away from the togetherness.

I begin to miss the comfort of solitude. The safety of it. Of not having to ask for so much from another person, but instead knowing that I can provide what I need myself. I find joy in creating, joy in nature. I alone decide where I spend my time and money. I love and need my friends and family, but there is another level of need that I alone fulfil.

I feel and think these things and a part of me wants to turn and run. To return to this way of being that is comfortable, that I know I can do.

But I don't.

Instead of running I allow myself to be pulled by some force of the universe towards this other person. I keep my eyes open and allow myself to move freely with it.

Because it might sometimes feel easier to be alone, but its not.

Its not easier and its certainly not better.

I don't know exactly what I want to say, or if I have said it. But whatever it is is asking to be said, and so I hope that my attempt will be enough for now.

Happy Thursday birds.

I hope the sun is shining where you are.

thoughts on authenticity, failure, and focus

via Yes and Yes

***

Today I was thinking about how sometimes even when you try real hard and do everything right, do all the things that you are supposed to do, sometimes things still don't work out the way you want them to.

And that's ok. Things don't always need to work out the way that I want them to (though occasionally it would be nice... :) And not working out the way I want them to doesn't mean that it wont work out.

When something you want falls through, maybe some of the fault is yours, and maybe not. Ultimately that doesn't matter. What does matter is what you do with it afterwards. How you deal with the disappointment and fear.

So today after doing what it is in my power to do, I am focusing on the hopeful:

a phone call from an old friend, making travel plans, making a wonderful meal, a glass of wine and a good book in the bath, a second chance that is actually used for good, the sound of the mail man bringing today's mail, snapping an amazing photo, eating cold pizza for breakfast, letting go of something not so good to make room for something great.

Have a wonderful weekend friends!

reminder

found
here

staying soft and the comforts of home

reasons to be happy list for this cold Monday:

being home

a warm mug in my hands

boots

a warm furry animal sleeping close by

the possibility of snow

colors against the grey sky

family

a made bed

feeling connected despite the miles

turning away from what is not beneficial

a feeling of calm

finding the perfect Christmas gift

swap packages (getting and giving)

remaining soft despite it all

the opposite of clinging

While at the ocean I was very clearly reminded that in order to survive and grow and use my time well for the next few months, during this next stage of my progression what I need to do more then any other thing is to stop clinging so tightly. Even if what I am clinging to is good, useful or even completely necessary. I cannot thrive, I cannot grow while I hold to anything as tightly as I have been holding.

The only way to move forward from this point is to relinquish control. To be at peace with things and with myself as they are right now.

Hope is a wonderful thing, but when too much importance is placed on certain hopes being attained, those hopes can do just as much harm as they can do good.

So
I will stop clinging so tightly
And I will be at peace with my life

and the state of things as they are right now.

PS.

also this morning

i am reminded of the importance of action.

Even if I am afraid. Even if I am hurt.

Even if I think I couldn't possibly matter or make any difference.

Sometimes you just need to do it anyway.

PPS.

photos of the ocean to come :)

the occasional downward slope

I know that there are always ups and downs. I have always had ups and downs. For as long as I can remember. So why in the world am I surprised and dismayed when I suddenly find myself at the top of a downward slope? This has happened before, and I am sure it will happen again. So why do I still get this feeling of panic? of dread? of being out of control?

I step back and I try to see it logically.

I say to myself that I have been through this many times before.

I know that it wont last forever.

Its not that bad.

I say all these things to myself

but they are still not altogether convincing

when faced with it.

But.

The difference is

this time around I feel much better equipped to handle it,

to keep it at bay.

I know what to throw myself into,

what will most effectively keep my mind occupied

on good and productive things.

I have created limits for myself

and (mostly) stuck to them.

So this time its different.
This time, though I do feel a little dread,
I also feel hope.
(and the sunshine coming through my window)

the kind of day today was...

today is one of those interesting days where i have thoughts like...
I wonder how a person gets more happiness in their life.
And then the answer that comes to me is... well, silly, the way you do that is to BE HAPPIER.

but maybe it actually is that simple.
Maybe?

Today is a day that i am finding it easier to have faith

in the fact or the idea or the hope that things WILL be ok.

that they will somehow, against all odds,

turn out right in the end.

And a small realization. i. have. regrets. I do. I have often admired those people who can go through life without them, but i am not one of those people. I'm just not. and that is something that i can fully accept about myself. but also i have realized that it is sometimes a very easy thing to fall into a deep sadness and sorrow that is related to these regrets i hold.

But today I am trying hard not to.

I heard someone say recently that what melancholy

really means is

waiting for inspiration.

And I am.

Both melancholy and waiting for inspiration.

But today is one of those beautiful and blissful days

where i have the feeling that it might be waiting around any corner,

that it might be somewhere close by

waiting for the right moment to pounce.

Today I am learning to be in less of a hurry.

I am stopping to breathe.

I am learning to find meaning in more and in simpler places,

in places where its easier to go.

Today I am allowing things to be simple.

odd odd odd

This has been a really weird week .
Full of disillusionment and some good times and some disappointing ones.
Sometimes time goes way to fast.
Sometimes there are so many things I want to do I wonder how I will ever get to all of them
and sometimes I can’t think of one thing I want to do besides take a nap.

I am feeling just the littlest bit broken,
but not yet completely unable to go on.

Just a little worn out from the effort.
and perhaps done putting my effort into things that don’t seem to go anywhere.

Perhaps that just means I am learning or getting smarter.

Perhaps not.

I never was one who was very good at knowing when to walk away.

I also think that leaving the house in the dark

and coming home in the dark are getting to me.
I miss the daylight.
This weekend when I am finally not chained to a desk all day

I will be sure to spend lots of time outside in the sunshine,

regardless of how cold it may be.

here's to effort and going out to lunch with the girls...

a new week

Overall the weekend was good.

I wish it had been longer.

I had some good times and good conversations
(which are always better when had with a shared bottle of wine)
and I think that I am getting better at being honest with myself.

Better at forgiving.
Better at limits.

Better at accepting the bad with the good

without too much sadness.

Today it is raining
And I am SO happy about it.

(I took my time walking through it and didn’t mind the odd looks of my coworkers)

Today I (so far):
got to talk to an old friend,
took a moment for myself during the day,
worked hard,
didn’t worry,

and turned inward instead of outward when my mind started going a direction I didn’t want it to.

So far its been a pretty good day.

I think I am ready for some cold weather. I want to bundle up. :)

a bit of a freak out and the rant that accompanies it

I am not neutral and i don’t want to fake it.
If am not ok I want to say I am not ok.

No more lies or secrets or pretending.

But I know myself and how i will answer. They will say how are you, in a slightly concerned way because they can see on my face (and puffy eyes) that I am not ok. But I will smile and say fine. And I will try not to look bitter with the smile, but instead brave.

And they wont push the question.

And I will go through my day and perhaps forget. Perhaps not.
But it won’t matter if I forget or not because there is nothing to be done about it.
Nothing but to just get through it.

And I say get through it, like there is some end, some tunnel that I will one day walk out of when things will just suddenly be better. The troubled time will be over and I will take one big step out of the dark and into the light and blue sky.

But that isn’t how it works.

I know that.
It will not be sudden and it will not be clean or clear.
It will be messy.
I will be messy.
And we will be that way for a long time.

I do not know the answers.
I don’t know the best path.
I am feeling my way through this

just trying not to scrape and bruise myself up too badly.

And I am afraid of getting bitter. Angry. Resentful.
I do not want to be that woman.
But some days I am her.
I will try not to be.
Because there is no should. There is no I deserve…
Its all subjective and its all just people

and there is only so much that people can do.

And in the end it’s just me.

Its only me who can do anything for myself really.

Only me who I am going to wake up with

and have to live with and accept and love.

So I need to just do it.
Don’t get bitter.
Don’t get angry.

Ask for what I want and need.

Have faith.

But if it doesn’t work out it will still be ok.
I will be ok.

So just be ok now.

Sometimes I feel completely baffled by work and life in general.
BUT I feel confident that everything is going to be all right.

possibilities...

Today I am finding hope in possibilities.
In open doors,

and windows.

In days when I don’t know what’s coming.

And just because things don’t feel so great right this second doesn’t mean that they aren’t going to feel a whole lot better next month or next week or tomorrow even.

The point is you just don’t know -
and hope is still hope even when you have to talk yourself into it.

a world of hope

I have another great site to share with you all.

I think we all sometimes get a little overwhelmed with all the bad that we see and hear about in the world. It’s easy to focus on that and forget that there is also a whole lot of good. A friend of mine who was faced with the challenge of trying to find balance came up with a way to try to focus on the good. He created Aworldofhope.com. It’s a site where people can gather to see and share all sorts of positive, good things that real people have done.

The point of this site is really just this:

to improve the world
to improve people’s outlook on life
to remind us all that there really is a whole lot of good that goes on in this world
to motivate
to inspire

and to bring a smile

So, if you need a lift or if you have something to share, find your way to this site.

I think you will be happy you did.

If you have something to share you can leave a comment to one of the posts on aworldofhope, send an email, or go ahead and leave a comment here and I will make sure it gets to where it needs to go.

Have a good Friday :)