the joys of moving, creating a workspace and why I love a patio

Now that I have a final move date (the 23rd, yayayayya!!!) for transitioning into my new place I have been figuring out what I need (since I sold pretty much everything I owned when I left Ohio and moved back to Oregon).

While I think I have it mostly figured out, I have been trying to find the perfect workspace/table/desk that I can use for a variety of mediums (leather, paper, paint, and I am hoping to get back to silver as well, so it must be quite strong and able to take a good beating) , and that will allow me to store my rather large collection of paper and book cloth that needs to be kept pretty much entirely flat (this mostly means I need a large shelf underneath the work surface).

So I have been looking at work spaces.

If anyone has any fantastic ideas for me, please oh please let me know! :)

***

I will also have a very tiny outdoor patio.

BUT its size will not keep me from thoroughly enjoying it. I will have a tomato plant, small herb garden, a very small grill and hopefully 2 chairs out there.

Here are a few outdoor ideas I came across in my browsing.

Though I cannot paint the door to my rental bright orange, I still dearly love this particular orange door and wanted to show you.

I am off to the Oregon coast this weekend. Hope you are all doing something wonderful :)

xo, ~s

All images found via Apartment Therapy.

blah

Today has been one of those crappy days where I don't feel like I am doing anything very well.

Today was my 7th day at the new job. I haven't received much training but today was the first time I really felt like I didn't know what I was doing. Its not a pleasant way to feel. I have also exercised only once since I started working. I haven't spent much time with friends. I haven't read a book or full relaxed or written much of anything or cooked a real meal since I started working.

Partly its because last weekend was also super hectic, so when I should have been getting caught up and feeling relaxed and rejuvenated, I wasn't. Instead I was doing more running around and driving and not sleeping.

I know I will learn the job and I will find a place to live that's closer so I don't spend 2 hours a day in the car and I will figure out how to make time for the things that are important to me.

But right now I am not feeling it.

balance

Ive been officially working full time again for two full days now, but it feels like more. And though I certainly feel like the whole thing is going to be great, I have found myself wondering over and over again how in the world anyone manages to work full time, have some sort of social life, have some sort of inner life, possibly exercise or attend a yoga class or two, make a home cooked meal or even think about reading a book.

I know I used to do it. There were even points were it wasn't that difficult. Points where it seemed natural, like there was enough time so I didn't need to worry or stress.

That is the level of balance I want to get back to.
I have not been doing an amazing job so far of taking care of myself. But I know I can do better. I will do better.

The job itself is good. The first few days or weeks of a new thing are always a transition, but I think this one will go fairly smoothly.

I'm looking forward to not having quite such a lengthy commute. Though I did get to see a beautiful sky while driving home tonight.

It was 72 degrees in Portland last Saturday. It was heavenly.

transitions and the art of living in the now

I am currently in a state of transition.

I mean really.

jobs, houses, states, marital status etc.

all the big things are changing

all at the same time.

And a very large part of

what that means is that the place I am now

figuratively and in real life,

is not where I will be 6 months from now.

its not permanent.

at all.

***

So its perfectly natural and easy to spend time thinking about the future and where I want to end up at the end of all this change. That planning and thought is important and necessary. If you don't think about where you want to go you probably wont end up in the place you want to be.

But the other side of that

is still being present and active in

and fully enjoying

your life right here and now.

***

And sadly

I have to admit that while being in this time of drastic change

I have found more and more often

that too much of my daily life is spent focused on the future.

And it is starting to effect me.

***

And here's the thing.

we are kind of ALWAYS in a state of transition

to some degree.

***

So transition cant be a reason

to not fully and thoroughly enjoy where we are.

It just cant.

There are too many amazing things to miss out on.

So as it turns out

once again the answer

to every important question

is balance.

Just like a glass of water

and deep breathing. :)

night friends.

my last weekend in Ohio

There was...

lots of love: PBR: mini road tripping : a good cry:

admitting what I cant do: hugs hello and goodbye: missing my cat:

some pretty incredible food: lots of calls to and from my family:

Inception: enjoying being "unplugged":

some really good laughs: a bit of contradiction: and lots of reflection.

Tonight

will include

solitude

lots of sleep

making art

and wine.

Then tomorrow comes

lots of preparations

and then my 30th birthday party :)

My actual birthday isn't until

next week, but its never to early

to start celebrating!

thoughts on divorce

Late tonight I will get on a plane and go back to Ohio.

Not for long, just a few days.

I will see some friends,

go to some favorite restaurants,

and I will finalize my divorce.

Its odd

to think that it will be final.

No longer in process.

Final.

The word is so...

well, final.

In some ways it already feels final. We have been separated for almost an entire year so the divorce going through wont actually make much difference in my daily life. But somehow it will still feel different. It still feels significant.

When I think about it there are three

sensations I can pick out

(besides odd if that counts as a sensation...)

1. sadness

No explanation needed.

2. relief

There will certainly be a sense of relief to just have it done,

in the sense that it has been a very big "to do" on my list that can finally be completely checked off.

3. guilt

Guilt that I didn't do things differently.

Guilt that I wasn't better.

Guilt that I couldn't somehow just fix it.

There are endless things I can feel guilty about,

though I am aware its not a very productive place to dwell.

Truthfully I think

that this is something

I will have to work my whole life to fully let go of.

To forgive myself for.

I have been having

bad dreams again,

which is something that hasn't

happened in a long time.

I think its all affecting me

more then I had wanted to admit.

But I am admitting it now.

***

Don't get me wrong, I am ok, and I know I will be ok. I know that my life will go on (and has already) and that it will be full and meaningful and good. And I know that he will be ok too, and that on some level we will always care for each other. But this will still always be there.

***

So please send me some toughness and love

if you have any to spare :)

***

ALSO:

I have decided it will be good for me to

"unplug" for a bit.

So I am not bringing my laptop with me

on my upcoming trip.

It will just be me, my journal and real conversation

with whoever I happen to run into. :)

I will be back late thursday night.

Have a great weekend all!

Guess what arrived in the mail today...

This lovely ring from Lisa's lovelies.

I was the lucky winner of a giveaway on her blog last week.

Thank you Lisa!

This ring was a welcome

and necessary pick me up

(along with some other

good news from afar).

The weekend was good

but I am once again feeling the

stress of all this change

and I am in need of some solitude

and quiet to process

and clear my head a bit.

So here is hoping that I find

the quiet and clarity that I crave.

permanence vs. non permanence

I have been thinking lately

about the permanence

or rather

non permanence of things.

Sometimes a thing will FEEL permanent,

even if its new.

Sometimes a thing or a place or a person feels

like home.

And sometimes it doesn't.

When I made the decision to come home to Oregon it was not meant to necessarily be a permanent move. It was meant to give me some time to gather my thoughts and rest my weary soul so that I could be better equipped to make these very big decisions that I am now faced with.

And now that I am here it feels even more non permanent than anticipated.

I feel a bit transient.

Antsy.

Like I am not done yet.

I love Portland and I love my family (though I haven’t even seen my parents yet as they do a lot of traveling these days…). But my gut is not giving me the impression that I am HOME quite yet.

Truthfully I am not yet sure where I am meant to be.

But that's ok.

I am learning to be ok without all the answers laid out clearly in front of me.

I will keep looking and hopefully soon I will find the direction that feels like home.

Some of the treasures found in my parents

magnificent and wild backyard.

a weekend in Salt Lake City and today's comforts

My weekend in Salt Lake was full of

love from my sister,

visiting family,

attempting to relax,

and an effort to regain some

semblance of balance

and sense of self.

I admired the mountains,

made art,

took naps,

loved the grey skies,

held some sweet babies,

and noticed some of the pink guitars of the world.

I am SO

happy to have arrived

and to be out of the car,

but the transition has not been quite

what I expected.

It has been hard.

And I am sure it will continue to be.

So today I am finding comfort in:

a long talk with a great friend

music

creating order from my chaos

the thought of an upcoming visit to Ohio

real food and

a hard Oregon rain.

make art, not anger

Yesterday I had my first real move related full on freak out. And though it was my own usual quiet version of a freak out, it still wasn't pretty. Though I may not express it outwardly my insides were all in knots.

My soul was (and is) aching.

I knew that this was coming.
It wasn't a surprise.
I just left everything and everyone that I have loved
and held dear for the last year of my life,
so it isn't surprising that I eventually
had to show some sadness about it.

But the part that was surprising

(at least to me)

was that after a good nights sleep

and a little distance

I woke up

made a pot of coffee

and started making art.

I wrote a few pages in my journal

and then I painted.

And I cant even tell you the difference that it made.

It was like the darkness was able to flow right out of me onto the page and turn itself into something beautiful. And it doesn't matter to me if its good or if anyone else wants it. What mattered was how healing the process was.

And now

even though the rain is falling

things are looking much brighter.

out of the car

I am pretty much ecstatic to be done

with the first leg of my trip

and to be out of the car for a good 4 days.

I am also pretty happy and relieved

that we were able to make it

with out incident and all in one piece.

Lucy did good. :)

I am glad she is such an adaptable

and resilient kitty.

I kind of fell in love with the big skies of Nebraska.

Lots of photos to come.

This whole thing still feels more like a vacation then a move. The "leaving a place that I love forever" part is still a bit unreal. But its sinking in more and more each day as I get out my crazy productive mode, and settle into where I am and begin thinking about the new life I want to make.

Its starting to become more real.

I will miss everything I left behind.

The place and the people and the home I made there.

But this change

will bring good.

I think this long weekend

will need to include

lots of journal writing,

eating some really good food,

sister bonding,

sleep,

and possibly a massage.

going West

Today I packed up my car drove away. I left Ohio.

Leaving a place and people that you love is a hard thing to do.

But,

when one must one can.

I am not sure that this is entirely legal

(cat on lap while driving),

but it worked for us

and honestly I was just happy she wasn't freaking out.

:)

the sensation of leaving

Lately its like every day brings

some slightly new sensation.

Some experience or feeling

that I haven't had before.

Its not unbearable.

Its not something that cant be handled.

But it is surprising.

Occasionally today
out of the blue
I keep finding myself getting teary.
I am in the process of saying goodbye
to a lot of things that I loved
(and didn't love)
and grew attached to.
I'm ok.
I'm just a bit emotional.

And I am enjoying the rain

and thunder and lightning,

its a small break after 85 degree days.

I am going to miss all of it.
Him and here.
I do already.

progress and a chat with my bridge

I had started to plan this transition a number of times before.

I had picked tentative dates to move, tentative last days at my current job.

Tentative everything.

But I never moved forward with those plans.

I never took steps to bring them any closer.

But this time things are different.

This time it suddenly feels right.

I don't know if the difference is that i am more ready this time,

or if its all in the timing -

but either way this time around it is all so much better.

I am actually making plans during the month of June

that involve me being on the west coast.

I am really starting to transition out of my current role at work.

I'm planning my big move.

I am doing things to take better care of myself.

And I am feeling better.

more positive.

more hopeful.

more like myself.

I feel more sure then before that I am on the right track

that maybe i really can improve

maybe I really can make up for my mistakes

and that maybe I really can do better next time.

Today I ate a bagel with Swiss cheese and had some delicious coffee while catching up on some favorite shows on hulu, went for a nice jog/walk since the gym is closed for spring break, made a stop at my favorite train bridge, took a drive, did a little shopping, spent some time in the sun, some time on the phone with my lovely sister, and spent some wonderful time relaxing.

So far its been a damn fine weekend.