a-ok

This has already been a busy (bordering on frantic at times) week and its only Tuesday.

But, today I am getting organized and I know everything is going to be fine. Things tend to work out eventually.

I will figure out how to fix my car and find someone to do it, hopefully it wont cost too much money, I will get packed, I will get moved this weekend, I will settle into the new place, I will get things done at work, and I will survive a week or two on my own.

Also

last night I somehow ended up parked on the street in front of a house dropping off a friend in the just about the same spot where I had been dropping off the same friend many years ago, and in that odd and interesting moment when we realized this, we also happened to see a coyote in the street just ahead of us. He sat and looked at us for a good minute and then turned and ran. Lots of cultures think that this is good luck, so in the words of my friend, it looks like we might just be on fate's good side.

Doubt

I arrived home

to find myself having a bit of a freak out.

I was fine, more then fine,

but suddenly I am surrounded by doubt and darkness.

Where there was confidence and faith,

there are now questions and fear.

I question it all.

I question too much.

And though I know that ALL my fears and worries aren't true

(they CANT be true... ??)

I am terrified that they are.

There is horror in it.

And I am afraid.

I know that the

strength of the feeling will pass.

but the seed of doubt that it planted

will be harder to discard.

When it came

I felt that I couldn't pretend

it wasn't there.

I couldn't pretend

that it wasn't frightening.

So I allowed it to wash over me, embraced it,

but only for a short time.

I felt I had to honestly share it.

And now I will try to begin

to climb my way back.

make art, not anger

Yesterday I had my first real move related full on freak out. And though it was my own usual quiet version of a freak out, it still wasn't pretty. Though I may not express it outwardly my insides were all in knots.

My soul was (and is) aching.

I knew that this was coming.
It wasn't a surprise.
I just left everything and everyone that I have loved
and held dear for the last year of my life,
so it isn't surprising that I eventually
had to show some sadness about it.

But the part that was surprising

(at least to me)

was that after a good nights sleep

and a little distance

I woke up

made a pot of coffee

and started making art.

I wrote a few pages in my journal

and then I painted.

And I cant even tell you the difference that it made.

It was like the darkness was able to flow right out of me onto the page and turn itself into something beautiful. And it doesn't matter to me if its good or if anyone else wants it. What mattered was how healing the process was.

And now

even though the rain is falling

things are looking much brighter.

the very large question of what you want to do when you grow up

lately I find myself being faced with this question a lot. I mean really a lot. And I know that people mean well and ask because they are genuinely interested and hopeful for me and the wide open gulf of unknown that is my future right now, but the fact remains that every time I am asked this question I am faced again with the fact that I really don't know the answer.

and I realize that for some reason I am

talking as though I am under the impression

that there should be one clear answer to this question.

in all likely hood there isn't.

and there wont be.

for most people.

ever.

but wouldn't it be nice

if there was??

At this time in my life I suddenly have a lot of freedom - not necessarily options mind you, because I have to actually get offered a job before it is an option - but I currently have the freedom to choose a direction and run with it. To decide this is the thing that I have always wanted to do and now I am going to put all my time and energy into making it happen.

if I wanted to go back to school, I could do it.

If I wanted to actively pursue a career in one certain industry, I could do it.

and now that I am faced with all of this freedom, with this multitude of directions that I could choose to go in, I am finding that sometimes having endless options make the choice harder.

I need to narrow it down.

(Mind you, I do NOT have the luxury of deciding that what I want is to do something artistic and creative that will not provide any sort of real paycheck - because I am responsible for paying my own rent these days and if I don't put food on my table, no one else will.)

So... what to do.

In trying to find a place to start

I think about all the different things I love.

to travel

to take photographs

to make books

to write

to read

to organize

to be outdoors

to be with poeple

to cook

to create just about anything...

But then my practical side kicks in.

darn that practical side...

and I wonder how I can turn those things that I love into a practical, money making career.

Hmmmm.

I will be at my current job until April.

So I have approximately 3 months

to figure out what I want to do,

find an amazing job in a city I want to live in,

and get that job.

I had better get started.

snow and not the greatest place

The last few days around here we have gotten lots and lots of snow, and it is supposed to continue to come until this evening. Since i live so close to where i work these days, i don't really mind it. Instead i can just enjoy how beautiful it looks when i am all cozy reading a book in my little house. :)

Also i have found myself in a bit of a bad place the last few days.

When i get in these moods one part of me wants to obsess on figuring out WHY

i get in these moods to begin with,

but the other half just wants to figure out a way to get myself out of it.

This week I think the second half is winning.

Basically lately i have felt this crazy need

to have other people give me something

But quite often even if i do work up the courage or whatever

to actually ask or attempt to get what i need

either they don't want to give it, or they cant,

or what they can give ends up

not being what i really wanted in the first place.

And from there i generally either get filled with rage

or terribly terribly sad.

Which of course, isn't real good.

So, i am thinking now that the results will be better if I just don't ask.

If instead I try to work through it on my own, whether that be through writing it all out of me

or trying to distract myself with a very enthralling book.

Turns out I am actually pretty easily distracted and can get very wrapped up in what i read.

So we will see how this next attempt goes.

And i have no idea why i am waking up as early in the morning as i have been.

But i am really really looking forward to sleeping in this weekend

and not having anything I have to do

except watch the huge snowflakes fall. :)