Found HERE

For a day when all you can do is move slowly and breath.

a reminder for myself

I have posted this before, but today I am going to post it again, because today I need to be reminded. Lately I have not been good at loving the questions, instead I have been complaining loudly about my lack of answers.

So I am posting this lovely quote again as an attempt to try to get the concepts of patience and vision and living my way into the future to sink into my thick skull.

Have a wonderful Monday birds!

rocks and the beauty of imperfect things

On my last trip to the beach instead of being drawn to the lovely
perfectly rounded stones that had been worked by the ocean and turned into
an ideal image of what a sea stone should be, this time I was drawn
almost entirely to the imperfect ones.

The ones with an interesting texture or color or shape. The rough ones.

The ones that were still in the process of being worked into their most smooth and flawless selves.

Today I was thinking about how lovely it is to know things. How much easier life is when you have all the information, so you can lay it out in an organized way and then make the best and most logical decision based on what you have put before you.

But then I thought about how rarely we have all the information.

Usually we are lucky to even get a glimpse of a direction or a future or goal.
Usually there is a lot we don't know.
And that's ok. Its ok to not know. To just accept and hold on to
whatever small bit of knowledge you do have.
Be grateful for it and try to be patient with the rest.

loving the questions

I don't think I could ever read

this too many times.

***

learning

Lately I have been getting the distinct impression

that someone is attempting

to teach me patience.
So far I have not been

a fast learner.

But I am trying.

And I think today was a step

in the right direction.

rebuilding and hiding

***

Lately I have been feeling the need to self protect.

To take a break from the outside world

and dig in

and rebuild.

So I took the day off work

I am writing, drawing, painting,

focusing on the process instead of

what it is that's bothering me.

***

Trying to write or paint the way it feels

in hopes that that will make me feel it less,

or at least feel more in control of it.

***

I cant help but be frustrated with myself when even after knowing what an issue is, or knowing that I tend towards a certain thing that isn't good for me, I still want to do that thing. I still want whatever it is that I don't or shouldn't have. I still have the impulse. And I don't always talk myself out of giving in. I am frustrated that its not easier to do what's best. But it isn't. Its hard, and my frustration wont change that.

So with the rest of my day

I will drink my mocha in the quiet,

read my book, cook some good food

and try to stop thinking about it so hard.

Relinquish control and just

let what needs to happen happen.

Stop fighting so hard for something

that maybe I shouldn't have anyway.

career mumbojumbo and my need to have a plan

well, I am now gainfully employed,

but only temporarily.

***

(This all came about because I had a small freak out

about feeling horribly wrong about a particular job offer

but also feeling from the responsible and practical

side of me that I really SHOULD take it...

and anyway I ended up

telling my boss on my third day of work -

which was actually today -

that I didn't think this position was going to be a good long term fit

for me and together we decided that I would stay to help out

for a month or two while they try to find someone else,

which is actually kind of great for me too...

some things really DO work out quite well in the end. :)

***

Anyway,

while I was determining my course of action on the job front I have made a few realizations.

1.

I do not want to float around anymore, ending up in whatever

job happens to get dropped in my lap.

Instead I want to make deliberate decisions.

(about career path, about relationships, about myself)

I want to really take the time to think about what I WANT

and really take advantage of the freedom that I now have.

This time (all time) is a gift

and I WILL NOT waste it.

2.

I have not allowed myself enough

time and space to heal

from all of my

recent trauma

(divorce,

moving across the country, leaving friends and home,

being constantly in flux, moving in with family,

quitting my job with no new job lined up, job searching,

money stress, etc etc).

So, since I have now realized this,

I think the time has come

to fix it.

***

As a solution to the above

I have decided that what I need is to give myself

MORE TIME.

***

time to think and write and read and be alone and be with people and take random aptitude tests and think about best and worst case scenarios with life and careers and relationships and family and think and dream and save money and plan and to be practical and very very not practical. I am going to put large amounts of effort into this for a month or two or three and then I will see how the world looks when I come out the other side.

All I know is that

a few days ago

my path felt very WRONG.

Like it wasn't going to

take me where I wanted

to go.

But this one,

this time

feels

RIGHT.

And that is reason

enough for me.

freedom, the outdoors, and the art of perfect timing

1. Freedom, artistic and otherwise, is important to me.

2. Its time for an adventure. :)

3. Moments of solitude and reflection are healing and precious

and I will not take them for granted.

4. Continuing to feel brave is important to me.

5. I can make a place into HOME by what I put into it. Its not a location.

That makes leaving a place a lot less scary.

Today

I am finding joy in

favorite music,

the outdoors,

and reconnecting.

Today I have been able to look at my life, at what I have and don't have, and see the good and the bad in both. There are things that I have wanted (desperately) and still want, that I don't have (yet). But I can also see the ways I have been incredibly blessed. I can see the ways in which not getting what I wanted (yet) has itself been a blessing.

And I can see that there is heartache and difficulty

sometimes in getting the thing that you longed for

Lucy my tiger-kitty.

the occasional downward slope

I know that there are always ups and downs. I have always had ups and downs. For as long as I can remember. So why in the world am I surprised and dismayed when I suddenly find myself at the top of a downward slope? This has happened before, and I am sure it will happen again. So why do I still get this feeling of panic? of dread? of being out of control?

I step back and I try to see it logically.

I say to myself that I have been through this many times before.

I know that it wont last forever.

Its not that bad.

I say all these things to myself

but they are still not altogether convincing

when faced with it.

But.

The difference is

this time around I feel much better equipped to handle it,

to keep it at bay.

I know what to throw myself into,

what will most effectively keep my mind occupied

on good and productive things.

I have created limits for myself

and (mostly) stuck to them.

So this time its different.
This time, though I do feel a little dread,
I also feel hope.
(and the sunshine coming through my window)

Ani and a thoughtful weekend

This weekend I drove with a couple of friends to Cincinnati to see Ani Difranco.
It was wonderful.
The music was great (she has been one of my favorites for years)
and it was great to get to spend a little time in a city -
and a city with a river and bridges is my favorite kind of city -
and I got to spend time with some dear friends who i had been missing more then I had realized.

And now I find myself wondering about my future.

This has been a common thread of thought lately and I don't mean to sound repetitive, but its hard not to dwell when there is so much that feels clouded and unknown. Oddly enough in the last couple of weeks I have not felt worried about it. I think about it more with interest, like I wonder in what way things will happen, but its as if I already know the ending.

I am confident that things will work out.

That I will somehow end up wherever I am supposed to be.

But I can honestly say

that right now

I don't know where that is.

And though its a huge comfort to feel sure that I will be ok (however unfounded that feeling may seem at times) I am still dying with impatience to know where and how and when and with who. Its as though I want to just get on with it already.

And while having these thoughts it has occurred to me that perhaps part of the purpose of the now knowing is the learning to let go of needing to know. Learning to be patient. To be quiet. To just wait and watch and listen and to let things unfold the way they need to, not the way I want them to. Because as much as I try to hurry it along, me impatiently tapping my foot is not going to make anything good come to me any faster.

So.

A new focus for the coming weeks and months:

Have patience

and faith enough in the universe

to allow things the time they need

to unfold the way they were meant to.

the view from my window this morning...

As I am going through this time of trying to get back to who I really am after losing that person, I am also realizing that I have to find a way to love and accept who I am right now. Not who I used to be or who I will be, but who I am. Right NOW. Flaws and all. Its not enough to accept some other version of me. It has to be THIS version.

This is not always easy, but I think it is necessary.

I am also realizing that some mistakes are ok.
They are a part of the process.

Without them we wouldn’t be able to see so clearly what we want and need.
What direction we should to go.

And I am realizing that change takes time.

It takes patience and forgiveness and strength.
And you can’t rush it.
So I wont.