Late tonight I will get on a plane and go back to Ohio.
Not for long, just a few days.
I will see some friends,
go to some favorite restaurants,
and I will finalize my divorce.
Its odd
to think that it will be final.
No longer in process.
Final.
The word is so...
well, final.
In some ways it already feels final. We have been separated for almost an entire year so the divorce going through wont actually make much difference in my daily life. But somehow it will still feel different. It still feels significant.
When I think about it there are three
sensations I can pick out
(besides odd if that counts as a sensation...)
1. sadness
No explanation needed.
2. relief
There will certainly be a sense of relief to just have it done,
in the sense that it has been a very big "to do" on my list that can finally be completely checked off.
3. guilt
Guilt that I didn't do things differently.
Guilt that I wasn't better.
Guilt that I couldn't somehow just fix it.
There are endless things I can feel guilty about,
though I am aware its not a very productive place to dwell.
Truthfully I think
that this is something
I will have to work my whole life to fully let go of.
To forgive myself for.
I have been having
bad dreams again,
which is something that hasn't
happened in a long time.
I think its all affecting me
more then I had wanted to admit.
But I am admitting it now.
***
Don't get me wrong, I am ok, and I know I will be ok. I know that my life will go on (and has already) and that it will be full and meaningful and good. And I know that he will be ok too, and that on some level we will always care for each other. But this will still always be there.
***
So please send me some toughness and love
if you have any to spare :)
***
ALSO:
I have decided it will be good for me to
"unplug" for a bit.
So I am not bringing my laptop with me
on my upcoming trip.
It will just be me, my journal and real conversation
with whoever I happen to run into. :)
I will be back late thursday night.
Have a great weekend all!
There was...
