Friday, July 16, 2010

thoughts on divorce

Late tonight I will get on a plane and go back to Ohio.
Not for long, just a few days.
I will see some friends,
go to some favorite restaurants,
and I will finalize my divorce.

Its odd
to think that it will be final.
No longer in process.
The word is so...
well, final.

In some ways it already feels final. We have been separated for almost an entire year so the divorce going through wont actually make much difference in my daily life. But somehow it will still feel different. It still feels significant.

When I think about it there are three
sensations I can pick out
(besides odd if that counts as a sensation...)
1. sadness
No explanation needed.
2. relief
There will certainly be a sense of relief to just have it done,
in the sense that it has been a very big "to do" on my list that can finally be completely checked off.
3. guilt
Guilt that I didn't do things differently.
Guilt that I wasn't better.
Guilt that I couldn't somehow just fix it.
There are endless things I can feel guilty about,
though I am aware its not a very productive place to dwell.

Truthfully I think
that this is something
I will have to work my whole life to fully let go of.
To forgive myself for.

I have been having
bad dreams again,
which is something that hasn't
happened in a long time.
I think its all affecting me
more then I had wanted to admit.
But I am admitting it now.


Don't get me wrong, I am ok, and I know I will be ok. I know that my life will go on (and has already) and that it will be full and meaningful and good. And I know that he will be ok too, and that on some level we will always care for each other. But this will still always be there.
So please send me some toughness and love
if you have any to spare :)


I have decided it will be good for me to
"unplug" for a bit.
So I am not bringing my laptop with me
on my upcoming trip.
It will just be me, my journal and real conversation
with whoever I happen to run into. :)
I will be back late thursday night.
Have a great weekend all!


  1. While this maybe final right now, you will still move forward in your life. My divorce taught me that everything is a life lesson, as long as you learn from it and try not to make that mistake again. Good Luck to you.

  2. my first marriage, separation and subsequent divorce taught me everything I needed to know to make marriage #2 everything I always wanted and needed in a relationship. we will be celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary next month. you have a healthy perspective about what's happening to you - losing guilt and regaining joy are in your not too distant future you'll see!

  3. Oh Susie I do have love to spare and I'm sending it your way! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm glad you know your life will still be meaningful and good, because it will be. It is already. Big hugs x

  4. love a plenty from over the seas from a stranger to you...unplug and refresh and wishes

  5. Warm thoughts to you. I hope your visit back to Ohio brings you the relief and an enormous amount of healing and closure. Also, I hope you feel empowered and rejuvinated. You're opening a new chapter. The slate is clean. Do exactly what you want and need with it!

  6. Toughness and love? You bet.
    I've been divorced for 15 years, following a 12 year long marriage. Sometimes I hardly remember being married, except that he gave me the 4 most important people in my daughters.
    What you will lose is the 'dreams' part of a marriage. No longer will you imagine growing old together and sharing family woes and joys together. That loss stays with you, no matter how long it's been.
    Here's the tough part: If you can afford it (and even if you can't), try to find a GOOD therapist and GO. It will ensure that your future relationships (of all kinds-not just romantic ones) will be healthier.
    My very best wishes for happiness...

  7. I'm so sorry about this on all levels. I find your candid words must be healing just to let out....

    You are in my prayers. It will be ok.... Keep that chin up!

  8. Ladies, thanks so much for the love and prayers. It was a succesful trip, and the healing is coming along well.

    you are all wonderful and so so appreciated.


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