rebuilding and hiding

***

Lately I have been feeling the need to self protect.

To take a break from the outside world

and dig in

and rebuild.

So I took the day off work

I am writing, drawing, painting,

focusing on the process instead of

what it is that's bothering me.

***

Trying to write or paint the way it feels

in hopes that that will make me feel it less,

or at least feel more in control of it.

***

I cant help but be frustrated with myself when even after knowing what an issue is, or knowing that I tend towards a certain thing that isn't good for me, I still want to do that thing. I still want whatever it is that I don't or shouldn't have. I still have the impulse. And I don't always talk myself out of giving in. I am frustrated that its not easier to do what's best. But it isn't. Its hard, and my frustration wont change that.

So with the rest of my day

I will drink my mocha in the quiet,

read my book, cook some good food

and try to stop thinking about it so hard.

Relinquish control and just

let what needs to happen happen.

Stop fighting so hard for something

that maybe I shouldn't have anyway.