Friday, September 18, 2009

a bit of a freak out and the rant that accompanies it

I am not neutral and i don’t want to fake it.
If am not ok I want to say I am not ok.

No more lies or secrets or pretending.

But I know myself and how i will answer. They will say how are you, in a slightly concerned way because they can see on my face (and puffy eyes) that I am not ok. But I will smile and say fine. And I will try not to look bitter with the smile, but instead brave.
And they wont push the question.

And I will go through my day and perhaps forget. Perhaps not.
But it won’t matter if I forget or not because there is nothing to be done about it.
Nothing but to just get through it.

And I say get through it, like there is some end, some tunnel that I will one day walk out of when things will just suddenly be better. The troubled time will be over and I will take one big step out of the dark and into the light and blue sky.

But that isn’t how it works.

I know that.
It will not be sudden and it will not be clean or clear.
It will be messy.
I will be messy.
And we will be that way for a long time.

I do not know the answers.
I don’t know the best path.
I am feeling my way through this
just trying not to scrape and bruise myself up too badly.

And I am afraid of getting bitter. Angry. Resentful.
I do not want to be that woman.
But some days I am her.
I will try not to be.
Because there is no should. There is no I deserve…
Its all subjective and its all just people

and there is only so much that people can do.

And in the end it’s just me.
Its only me who can do anything for myself really.
Only me who I am going to wake up with
and have to live with and accept and love.

So I need to just do it.
Don’t get bitter.
Don’t get angry.

Ask for what I want and need.
Have faith.

But if it doesn’t work out it will still be ok.
I will be ok.

So just be ok now.

Sometimes I feel completely baffled by work and life in general.
I feel confident that everything is going to be all right.

1 comment:

  1. "Sometimes I feel completely baffled by work and life in general.
    BUT I feel confident that everything is going to be all right."

    You probably are :) You seem to know where you're headed and how you're going to deal with it so you'll definitely be alright even if it'll be a bit hard getting there. Good luck on your journey :)


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