Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Late night thoughts posted when I should probably be asleep…

Stop asking the question if I already know what the answer will be.
Even if I don’t like what the answer is.
Continuing to ask it isn’t going to change it.

And if a person isn’t right for the place I want filled in my life I should stop thinking that they will change and will somehow miraculously fit perfectly into the gap I have.

It’s interesting how I have reacted to this solitude that I craved.
I wanted it, new it was needed for the growth that I want so badly. That it is necessary.
I know I made this solitude for myself.
I did this.
I asked for it.
So I feel guilty when I resist it, pull away from it, feel alone.
And I do feel alone.
I am for the first time in my life living alone (besides my sweet cat of course). For the first time in my 29 years I am finally really not responsible for anyone else, and there is no one else who is responsible for me.
Family is all a thousand miles away so here it is just me.

I am so torn about the process.
Wanting him to be ok, but also wanting to be missed.
Knowing this is best for me, but missing so much of what I had.
It’s so easy to remember only the good.
Then I catch a glimpse of where I was before and I remember.

It all comes flooding back and I know that this is the right path.

I am still digging to find out what’s underneath,
to see myself clearly.
To know who I am and what I can do.

I am afraid of what I will find,
but also hopeful.
And I believe that I can change.

I have been hiding from so much for so long, denying it, never being fully honest.
I can’t wait to feel that I suddenly no longer have to hide.
Already there is so much less.
I am getting closer.
Already I think I am standing taller, feeling more fully myself
and more ok with what I see when I am honest.

Already I am more loudly myself.

and its hard but its an ok hard.
now time for sleep.


  1. i think i get this. and it's good to know that even in our alone-ness, we are never alone. strength and peace to you...

  2. she - i really thought you might.
    :) thank you and i wish that for you as well.
    I think we are both getting closer...


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