First being anywhere else makes me really, really appreciate here, and all the people and things I have here. A couple of months ago I was sort of presented with an opportunity and a reason to move away if I wanted to. Being faced suddenly with the idea that moving was a real, current option, it became incredibly clear to me that I don't want to leave.
And after a taste of California dessert (and oh was it a lovely taste), the Oregon green was a much needed gulp of water.
Growth wise, the vineyards in Napa were about a month ahead of ours here in Oregon. So in that way it almost felt like a glimpse into our future.
I got to see where we will be, to see some of the troubles they have had and take note of ways to avoid those problems. It was like those plants were warning us of wrong turns and gently encouraging us to go in a better direction.
I have also been having thoughts on hope. About how much we all need it, even when a hoped for thing seems unlikely or unrealistic. Maybe that is when we need it the most. Even when hope seems downright silly.
Having hope in this world is an act of bravery.
And, I think, a safe bet.
Another thought. Sometimes it feels easier to be alone.
And now suddenly I find myself not at all alone. At first I bask in it. Soak it all in. Enjoy it fully. And then I start to notice a lack of balance. I see important things being neglected, not because I don't care, but because I cant seem to turn away from the togetherness.
I begin to miss the comfort of solitude. The safety of it. Of not having to ask for so much from another person, but instead knowing that I can provide what I need myself. I find joy in creating, joy in nature. I alone decide where I spend my time and money. I love and need my friends and family, but there is another level of need that I alone fulfil.
I feel and think these things and a part of me wants to turn and run. To return to this way of being that is comfortable, that I know I can do.
But I don't.
Instead of running I allow myself to be pulled by some force of the universe towards this other person. I keep my eyes open and allow myself to move freely with it.
Because it might sometimes feel easier to be alone, but its not.
Its not easier and its certainly not better.
I don't know exactly what I want to say, or if I have said it. But whatever it is is asking to be said, and so I hope that my attempt will be enough for now.
Happy Thursday birds.
I hope the sun is shining where you are.