I am and have always been oddly private.
When I first meet a new person I initially open up very quickly, which gives the illusion of openness, but about the deeper and more personal things I tend revert back to my reserved self.
I do still share, but personal and emotionally important nuggets have to be drawn out by a patient and sometimes quite stubborn individual.
I also want very much to be and feel close to people.
But I make it very hard for that to happen.
I have thought about my possible reasons and what have you,
but ultimately I think it comes down to
one more manifestation of fear’s ugly face.Also lately there has been an upsetting
lack of inspiration and an abundance of doubt,
and it has just occurred to me that these are related.
I read this today about authenticity and spirituality.
This effort to reach for spirituality outside of realism is what pulls us away from the very authenticity we are trying to embrace. We cannot be spiritual when we are being something that we are not.
I don’t need to be so afraid of sharing or showing my authentic self.
In fact the act of holding back
just may be actively keeping me
from finding what I am looking for,
Being more honest and open
just may bring me closer to
finding my creative footing,
feeling more confident in my endeavors,
and finding the inspiration
and balance I have been looking for.