Sunday, March 14, 2010

after a few steps back

This week did not turn out quite as well
as I hoped it would.
But I spent a little time thinking about this
and I think I have figured out why.

1. When I felt a lack of something I was turning outward instead of inward.
Instead of figuring out a way to sooth myself
I wanted someone else to fix it for me.
This hardly ever works.
2. I found myself dwelling too much on the past.
I was not letting go of regrets.
Instead I embraced the guilt that I sometimes feel so naturally.

But I am happy to report that one big positive from this week is that I was honest with a few important people in my life about how I was feeling. I tend to keep things to myself, which has not always served me well in the past. This week I didn't.

And now
I find myself faced with another decision.
Plans seem to just keep on changing,
which I suppose is just the nature of things,
but for a planner it can be a little hard to take.

But I think that these changes will be alright. And anyway I suppose I better get used to it because this seems to be the way that things work in real life (its odd how life sometimes doesn't feel all that much like real life...). The general idea I think will stay the same (go west, find a job, create a fresh start of sorts), its just the timing that will not be quite what I thought it would be. Its good to be reminded how to be flexible. To be reminded to do what feels right, to follow my intuition and trust in where that takes me.

And in the meantime there are lots and lots of good things.
So today I am going to make some books,
take a walk outside with a friend and our cameras,
and see where it all takes me.

"God bless apples.
Apples make good sense when you are lonely for apples."

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