Wednesday, December 30, 2009

home and inevitable change

I have to make one more small confession.
I did enjoy Christmas and the whole hullabaloo,
but i am also quite glad that its all over.
i want to go back to my normal little life where i can be quiet when i want to and noisy when i want to.
i missed my cat and my very small house and my lime green curtains and my bed and the purple couch.
as odd as it may seem i like those things, though they were meant to be temporary and they are not fancy.

The truth is I have found some peace and contentment here
in this place
this house
this setting
this state.
and i worry that i will lose it somehow when i leave here.
i have gotten comfortable.
and leaving a place where you are comfortable is never easy.

But really i think that is partly why i did this the way i did. I told my job very early that i was leaving. I gave them a time line and a date for my departure. I think i did this in part to force myself into it. Otherwise, knowing that i would get comfortable here, i feared that i wouldn't leave. and at least at the time i felt that leaving was the best move for me.

so i guess the best option is to stick with what i decided.
to trust it.
stop questioning it.
of course a part of me wants to stay.
of course a part of me is afraid of this great big unknown
that is fast approaching and will very soon be my reality.
but that's ok.
doing something a little scary never hurt anyone.

sometimes i think i have to TRY to get contentment from the things that i know and love and have wanted and fought for.
it doesn't always come easily.
But there are moments when it isn't so hard.
and those help you get through the other moments.

I hear that tomorrow on new years eve there will be a blue moon and partial lunar eclipse.
Don't miss it! :)


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