Monday, June 22, 2009

Indecision sucks

Sometimes I wonder how in the world anyone ever knows for sure what it is that they want. To do. To be. Anything. And sometimes I think that everything is just a substitute for something else. What I think I want now is to at least be aware of my real motivation for doing whatever I am doing.

So if I say I want to be published, I want to be an artist, I want a baby, I want a certain kind of home life, I want to feel inspired. I want to know why I want these things. And not just my surface reason – I want to know my real deep down, underneath it all reason. What need achieving these things will fulfill for me.

And I still think that doing something is almost always better then doing nothing. But I also know that that philosophy has caused me to make quite a few mistakes in this little life of mine.

I no longer think that regret is the worst thing in the world. But I do think that doing it the way I have done it has caused me (and some of those I love) more heartache then was necessary. I do not always do things the easiest or fastest or best way. I often take the long way around.

And I am still sometimes plagued by INSECURITY.
Annoying, silly, difficult, pointless insecurity.
Much of the time I think I have it pretty much under control,

and then this beast rears its head again.

I think we could all do such great things if we could manage to not stand in our own way.

I suppose if you are comfortable enough with who you are you don’t mind being told you are odd or different or if someone else doesn’t like you or what you do.
Different is ok I think.
Interesting even.
Better then a whole lot of other things I could be.
And no one will ever have the approval of everyone.
So why worry about it?

Instead I want to do things for me, not for the approval of the world at large.

Back to indecision.
Sometimes I think one of my main problems is that
I don’t want to live just one life.
There are just too many possibilities.
Too many really good options.
So far I haven’t been able to figure out how to choose just one.

I don’t quite know how to resolve that one yet.

My solutions for now:
Go slowly
Be content
Don’t be too unforgiving of myself or others

Immerse myself in the beauty of the world around me and in the joy of creating things

The foolish man seeks happinessin the distance,
the wise grows it under his feet.
James Oppenheim


  1. I think this is an issue for many of us. I feel a lot of the same things. Is this the life for me? Should I be off doing something different? I, like you, feel I need several lives at the same time to feel complete. I have decided that is normal. Even my grandmother who is 76 has mentioned this. I have been called a Gypsy because of those thoughts. I think we learn to keep them bottles and just feel content but yet still torn. Many will disagree because they are content. I just think there are many more of us out there with these same feelings.

  2. Well, the life you choose doesn't always turn out the way you planned. I say make the best of what you have, make the decision to be happy and you will be (ok - maybe not always, but most of the time.) No one has ever called my "normal" which to me is perfectly fine - a compliment actually.

  3. The surface, ah ha, that is what the world loves us for. Now the depths, the unseen purpose and feelings and hidden meaning in everything that is done, well that is what we love ourselves for and pray another to see without us ever mentioning them.
    I have resolved to one thing now in life, no matter the outcome or the rejection or the insecurities, for if I am able to do one things all things will follow. Love well. That is it, love well. And let it never be said that you did otherwise or passed a moment to do so.
    Cheers! To the day.

  4. I can so relate to this and it was part of the reason that I started blogging... to find myself and what I wanted to be "when I grow up", which unfortunately chronologically... I'm old enough to be the mother of most of my cyber friends.


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